What the FUCK has Katie Melua been smoking?, or something along those lines...

We haven't done a list-based critique in a while (oh the preceding post contained one! Woops!) so we thought we'd whack one out for Katie Melua (don't take that out of context, it sounds vile):

• This is some easy-listening, Enyata, post-trip-hop, Dido shit!
• The production, by William Orbit (off-of Madonna's Ray of Light - yes!) is, naturally quite stunning, and it does build to a euphoric peak.
• Nevertheless, Melua's voice is as grating and bland as ever... a feat, considering those two qualities are usually mutually exclusive.
• Why the fuck has she gone all Olivia Newton John on us, with the naked menz and the homoerotic grappling? What is this, a Kathryn Bigelow film about surfing, starring Keanu Reeves?
• Her wobbly piano is (unintentionally) hilarious.
• Bitch can't dance, she can't even do good floaty hands so she just does LIMP ones throughout the vid.
• There's a HILARIOUS jazz hand bit at 1:57.
• The lyrics are cheesey as all hell still ("waves pulling you down" or some overdone shit) and the melody wobbles precariously between 'epic' and 'embarrasingly pseudo-alternative chillout'.
• LOL.

On her upcoming album there are tracks with the following names and WE KID YOU NOT:

• "I'd Love To Kill You"
• "God On The Drums Devil On The Bass"

'LMAO'. Is this her idea of eccentricity? 'LMAO'.