Our coverage of the 2011 Academy Awards

That's all you need to know.

That pony tail HAS to go

We cannot be fucked with awards ceremonies right now. This time of year is usually the period when they all seem to take place - do we see some correlation? The Oscars are next week, the BRITs are tonight, the BAFTAs were Sunday night... boring nominations, boring egos and boring self-applauding all around. However, with mind-numbingly dull winners comes hand in hand hot mess performances, red carpet dresses and the Grammys seem to consistently come out on top of Hottest & Messiest Music Awards Show Evah.

Because we know you want the facts and the facts fast, we've prepared a fabulous little list of the five finest moments of the 2011 Grammys...

5. Nicki Minaj's barnet

Would it be inaccurate of us to assume Mademoiselle Minaj has decided Lil' Kim isn't a suitable role model for her anyway, and Elsa Lanchester is more up her street. Well, Elsa and Mel B. Leopard Bride of Frankenstein fire.

4. Arcade Fire winning Best Album

It's not our favourite Arcade Fire album, but it's still fucking amazing and we're so proud of Canada's finest band for beating Justin Bieber. It seems not everyone feels the same though :(



3. "Born This Way"
It's a mess, it's terrible, it's brilliant, it's horrendous, it's fantastic, whatever. Naturally, people were disappointed by this very-basic-by-Gaga standard, although a world in which being wheeled on stage in a plastic egg and emerging from it wearing the yolk as a chapeau is considered basic is a tad scary, but we slightly appreciated the lack of gimmicks. It was straight up singing and dancing. Well, and she got wheeled on in an egg.


2. Ricky Martin introducing "Born This Way"
"You can love who you want!" Yeah! Why does it sound so much more since being echoed by a gay man?

1. Christina Aguilera's chin, bingo wings and vocal cords
All absolutely fabulous.

Roll on the BRITs!

& there, amongst the shit, predictable & passable, glistening like a platinum blonde rose, newly-blossomed & dewy, delicate & bethorned IS ROBYN...

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Lady Marmalade 2.0?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHJYEWhecMgThe VMAs happened the other day. We didn't watch them because we were doing something else, sorry ):

• Lady GaGa wore a meat dress. We love you, gurl, but yawwwwwn.
• Her new album will be called... wait for it...
• *drumroll*
• Born This Way
• Sounds like a Bruce Springsteen/RuPaul album doesn't it?
• She sang a snippet of it when she won her 123123432th award.
• It sounds like a self-help ballad.
• Where Xtina at?
• Apparently our beloved Robyn performed IN THE ADVERT BREAK :'(
• Florence performed, it was probably out of tune and everyone probably praised her to the high heavens anyway, because, you know, Flo seems to've gotten herself a criticism-free pass when they were handing them out a few years ago. Winehouse and Allen were the only two other female artists to get their hands on them. Bizarre.
• Kanye and Taylor did some songs about being innocent/assholeszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Just to let y'all know...

We are 'live tweeting' the 'Oscars' over at our offish twitter (well, duh). Follow us, enjoy, tell your friends, get drunk, vom down yourself, fall asleep.

UPDATE:
We got as far as 'live tweeting' the red carpet before we ran out of coherent and interesting things to say. Our thoughts on the ceremony? It was long. The interpretive dancing was horrendous but simultaneously the highpoint. We haven't even seen The Hurt Locker but we're beyond ecstatic for Kathryn Bigelow (you go girl, and all that). It wasn't heinous and that was the problem. The more awful the ceremony the more chance of staying awake. At least Avatar didn't win Best Picture. Sandy Bullock gives good speech. *falls back asleep*

Notes on the BRITs...

So, the 30th annual Brits Awards ceremony occured last night. Thirty year anniversary. A commemoration of a decade multiplied by three. If you were one half of a married couple you would possibly celebrate your Pearl anniversary with champagne, divorce, mutual stabbings, getting raucously, bitterly drunk and, if you're lucky, engaging in some boring, unsatisfying sex with someone you've come to detest over so many years of legally binding, mentally stultifying coexistence. Surely if it's a popular music awards show, such an anniversary would be a jubilant, self congratulatory + referential affair, abundant with cultural gems taken from the golden archives of mainstream music, filled with cheer, innovation and optimism. Surely?

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The Grammys: The Highlight...

We watched the Grammys (the Grammies? the 'Grammy's? the GRAMMYs?) so you wouldn't have to. Good thing too, cuz it was 10% muff, 80% fluff and then we fell asleep. Above is the much-hyped Lady GaGa vs. Queen Elton performance, and worra treat it is, readers! What doesn't it have? Well things it does have:

• A green leotard so high cut around the crotch, you get a lovely view of Lady GaGa's cervix.
• Two big queens with soot on their face.
• A double piano (doesn't that sound like a vile sex act?).
• Three songs ("Poker Face", "Speechless" and Elton John's "Your Song") for the price of one.
• Lots of 'little monster' claws, lyk, rawr lulz.
• Some dancers.
• Some singing.
• An idiot kind of 'Emcee' narrating, just in case you didn't get the contrived, flimsy and overacted concept behind the performance. What could possibly be going on? We had no idea until we were told! Silly us.

And that's your lot. Beyoncé and P!nk did rather special performances of "If I Were A Boy/You Oughta Know" and "Glitter in the Air", respectively, but they were practically lifted directly from their tours, both of which we've already seen (so as nice as they were, we didn't wet ourselves over them).

Oh and Taylor Swift, you can be as sweet and gracious as you like, but shouldn't you be able to sing in tune?! We thought it was worth asking.

[insert lame joke substituting 'BRIT' for 'SHIT']

The BRIT Award nominations are in, and as always there are niggles to be had. Here are ours:

Pixie Lott - British Female Solo Artist, British Breakthrough Act, British Single
Correct us if we're wrong, but we thought the 'BRIT' Awards were about celebrating the best in music, not just 'who sold the most'. We mean, Björk has won four 'gongs', Bat For Lashes was nominated even before she was having top 5 albums and Kate Bush has 10 nominations to her name. We realise 'good' is entirely subjective, but COME ON. PIXIE LOTT? She makes Duffy look like an artist of unquestionable quality.

The Absence of Little Boots
We realise her album didn't sell nearly as well as people expected, and we realise she never bagged that number 1 single people predicted but again: COME ON. No matter how you feel about Boots as a person (and we've wavered) you absolutely cannot deny her album was a fizzy, glittery synthpop FEAST: imaginative, great fun and hugely promising. It was miles ahead of a hell of a lot of lesser shit that was nominated and it's a total insult to snub her on the basis of 'expectations' or 'sales'.

Mika - British Male Solo Artist
We know we said these awards should have nothing to do with 'expectations' or 'sales' but REALLY. What HAS Mika done this year (other than terrify us all by dancing around in his underwear)? To be honest, there were worse 'people' making worse 'music' nominated in this category but what we're really trying to say is: where was Patrick Wolf's nomination? Again, say what you will about him, but he released the best British Male Solo Artist Album in 2009.

Others Missing In Action
Of course Little Boots wasn't the only stellar act snubbed this year. Others include: The xx, Blue Roses, Imogen Heap, Speech Debelle, Frankmusik, VV Brown, White Lies, Alexandra Burke (she's only nominated by default in the Best Single Category), Emmy the Great, Paloma Faith, Jordin Sparks, Röyksopp, Regina Spektor, Tori Amos, Dragonette, Vienna Teng, Gossip, Metric, Dan Black, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Amanda Blank, The Mummers, Fever Ray, Kelly Clarkson + Peaches. All too good, obviously.

On a more positive note:

• Well done Lady GaGa.
• Well done Rihanna.
• Well done Shakira.
• Well done Bat For Lashes.
• Well done Ladyhawke.
• Well done Animal Collective.
• Well done Florence + the Machine.
• Well done La Roux.
• GOOOOOO SPICE GIRLS.

Full list here.

It's the Nationwide-sponsored, no sorry, Barclaycard-sponsored Mercury Music Prize 2009 Nominations...

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, the Mercury Music Prize, or the Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize, as it is SO eloquently named, is an annual prize of round-and-about 20,00 quids, awarded to the best album in the whole of the British land. It's chosen by a group of sexperts, who presumably all go into a dark room and argue fervently about the cultural importance of the Pigeon Detectives vs. that of Mutya Buena.

There used to be something people wrote about called the Mercury Music Prize CURSE, which supposedly meant that anyone who was ever nominated, or even won, was thereafter shit and disappeared into the netherworld, never to release music again. This curse was invented by journalists to explain why big white elephant and Mercury Prize winner, Ms. Dynamite, never made good on her promise to be the biggest and most commercially successful artist in the whole world, which was never going to happen anyway. The curse is now pretty much null and void, because Dizzee Rascal has won it, who is now a huge British chart star, as have The Arctic Monkeys, the most critically acclaimed band EVER, as well as established rock acts with huge cult followings like Elbow and PJ Harvey, who aren't exactly struggling to get music released.

Of course, things like this always fail to please everyone... it's in their nature. In the past, fantastic albums by Siobhan Donaghy and Róisín Murphy have been ignored, because they are by Irish ladies and are therefore not qualifiable and hugely successful and critically acclaimed bands like Radiohead have missed out on the prize, whilst lesser known, and now forgotten, artists have snatched the prize. But does it really matter? Sort of. The Mercury Prize, although not extending to having the influence of a curse, does increase album sales of artists that might otherwise disappear completely, and anything that is a celebration of raw and innovative music talent is worthwhile. So who are this years nominees and what does it all mean?

In amongst the usual chart success stories, bands we've never heard of, and talented oddballs who will never release an album on an imprint of a major label ever again, there is a TRAGIC STORY OF LOSS in here. Little Boots is not nominated. Of course, we're joking. Whilst a nomination would have been a nice jesture, there are more important things in life. Whilst we're on the subject, however, there are some other people we feel were overlooked. Blue Roses, for one. Patrick Wolf, for another, who despite his arrogance, immaturity and temper, is so talented, he really should have been nominated at least once, after 4 albums. Antony and the Johnsons, whose last album won it, has also been overlooked this time. But that's just the way it goes, isn't it? Those nominees then:

• Florence and the Machine - Lungs
• Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
• Speech Debelle - Speech Therapy
• Friendly Fires - Friendly Fires
• La Roux - La Roux
• Bat For Lashes - Two Suns
• The Horrors - Primary Colours
• Glasvegas - Glasvegas
• Led Bib - Sensible Shoes
• Sweet Billy Pilgrim - Twice Born Men
• The Invisible - The Invisible
• Lisa Hannigan - Sea Sew
  

We are fully aware

that the Oscars (red carpetzzz) are going on AS WE SPEAK.

We would love to be liveblogging, but we don't have Sky in our student accommodation. We apologise.

There will, of course, be scathing criticism of all red carpet frocks, the SECOND we are able to commit ourselves to making such a post.

See you then, and er... FINGERS CROSSED FOR MS. WINSLET.

x

WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU

WE'RE OFF TO THE BRIT (SHIT) AWARDS TONIGHT: GIRLS ALOUD, LADY GAGA, PET SHOP BOYS. AMAZING.

EXPECT A FULL REVIEW IN A MONTH OR TWO (WE'RE SLOW).

SEE... WE'RE A PROPER MUSIC BLOG. WE GET INVITED TO THESE THINGS.

The BRITs: What A Load of Fucking Rubbish

Scouting For Girls, Duffy, the Ting Tings... all acts that in years to come, popular music historians will doubtlessly be RAVING about. Brilliant acts. NOT.

The nominations this year are a bit of a travesty, really. Not only do Scouting For Girls have 3 nominations (might be more... can't be arsed to check), but Duffy and Coldplay lead with 4 'noms' apiece.

The only salvation is the fact that 'wild cards' Santogold and M.I.A. have been nominated, although, let's be honest, they're not going to fucking win. It'll be like when Bat For Lashes was nominated but didn't win because Mika was too busy picking up every fucking award going.

The BRITs aren't always 'wrong', though. In the past they've nominated Kate Bush and Björk for their fantastic contributions to music during the year, where other mainstream media outlets have ignored them. In fact Björk has won the 'Best International Female' Award 3 times (more times than any other artist!).

That still doesn't excuse the fact that, not only do the BRIT awards now celebrate mostly graduates from the BRIT school, but also the fact that they often get it very, very 'wrong' and will undoubtedly continue to do so for years to come. Does anybody remember the year when the Darkness triumphed? The who-what-know?

It raises interesting questions about whether the winners should be the most popular from the past year, or the people who are most likely to be remembered in future years for their brilliant music-making thus sparking up a debate between the 'of their time' and the 'timeless' and which is more important.

Clearly, none of this matters, because any Awards junket thingy that chooses to nominate Scouting For Girls for ANYTHING, deserves to fester in the pits of hell for all eternity.

The Golden Globules

Yes yes, well done everybody. Well done Kate Winslet, Goddess of all Creation, for winning not only the Best Actress in a Depressing Film award for Revolutionary Road (which reminds me of rocky road) but also the Best Supporting Actress award for The Reader. Well done to the lovely Sally Hawkins for winning the Best Actress in a Film That Made You LOL, LMAO or PMSL for the enchanting and very funny Happy-Go-Lucky.

RIGHT. Now we've got that bit out of the way (the rest of the winners were boring - Slumdog Millionaire won everything) we can get onto the REALLY important part. The part you know the Awards Season is REALLY ABOUT... THE RED CARPET.

Ok so Best Dress this year TOTALLY goes to Maggie Gyllenhaal. Yes we know she looks like a high class call girl and leopard print (cheetah print??!?!) is SO the last five years, but we DON'T CARE. In a year where practically NO ONE took chances or wore anything amazingly horrendous, this stood out BY A MILE. You know we dig the hot messes and this is Hot Mess done immaculately.

Flawless.

Anyway the rest of the dresses were largely the most boring things we've EVER seen. I mean, that's usually the way with the Golden Globules. No one likes to go all out until the Oscars... it would be like wearing your special sexy santa costume on Christmas EVE instead of DAY. Yeah... weird. But still! Where were the disasters? You know it's a bad year for terrible red carpet frocks when the worst thing was worn by Renee Zellwegger...

Yes... that is she of likeable Bridge Jones fame and sultry, sexy, sassy, lemon sucky Chicago fame. She looks so high it's unTRUE. This year saw a lot of Actresses looking fucked. Case in point, the amazing Drew Barrymore:

We thought she'd stopped taking drugs, but apparently not. Her bum-chum and fellow angelette was also completely wasted at the event. Yes we're talking Cameron Diaz.

Homegirl has also obviously been hittin' on the steroids. I mean, please. Madonna has an excuse. She's 50. If she didn't exercise the shit out of her arms, they'd turn into bingo wings within SECONDS, leaving her near death and gagging for air. Cameron Diaz has NO excuse. There is also no excuse for that Barbie-does-DIY-dressmaking gown. Nor is there any excuse for the fact that her blonde highlights start 2 thirds of the way down her hairdo, giving her a strange sort of two-tiered-wig look. Not good.

Most Boring Dress of All Time goes to Kate Winslet & Angelina Jolie (i.e. two bitches who should know better). Kate Winslet may be the Goddess of all Eternity and Angelina Jolie may be the Virgin Mary Reborn but SERIOUSLY. Make an effort, girls. Also there was much Winslet and Jolie-related hilarity because when Kate Winslet made her thank you speech for Best Actress in a Film That Made You Cry Tears of Blood she forgot Angelina Jolie's name and referred to her as "the other one". Now, we saw Jolie's death stare ray when she aimed it at Anne Hathaway at the Critic's Choice (was it called that?) so we don't even want to KNOW what it looked like when Winslet made that slipup. The boring dresses are below.
BORING.

We can't really be arsed to do any more dress coverage, because in all honesty, they were the most boring dresses of all time. Salma Hayek, Kate Beckinsale, Penelope Cruz etc. etc. ALL DULL. Amy Adams and Anne Hathaway both looked mildly awful in strange glittery black swamps of fabric, and there were a lot of hot older bitches present (Susan Sarandon, Glenn Close and Sigourney Weaver WE MEAN YOU) but aside from that it was business as per usualness.

There's only one final award to hand out... The Trannylicious Award. Now you'd think that Beyonce would be a shoe-in for this award because, let's face it, she's the most Trannylicious person in the entire world EVER, but JLo actually scooped this one, cuz Beyonce was obviously not in Sasha mode.

Well done JLo.

Anyway we're all done here. If you want more pictures you can search for them yourselves. We'd like to thank the Telegraph website for providing all the pictures. PLEASE DON'T SUE US. We don't make any money out of this blog and will take them down if you so wish it. We'd also like to thank Michael K of Dlisted.com for his hilarious and informative live blogging. We had no idea what was going down at the awards because we live in the UK and they don't telebroadcast this shit so thankings. I think that about wraps it all up. See you in a few weeks (months?!?) for the Oscars.


P.S. WHY THE FUCK WAS MILEY CYRUS THERE?!?!?!?!??!

OSCAR PREDICTION TIME

It's that time of year. YES THAT TIME OF YEAR.

Filmic (and otherwise) Awards Season is in FULL SWING and here are our own personal predictions for the nominees and eventual winners of the best (worst) awards of all, THE OSCARS!!!!!

We actually haven't seen about 99% of these films, but WE DON'T NEED TO.

These predictions are made using the very accurate and scientific art of looking who the frontrunners are on imdb.

We accept absolutely NO responsibility for having guessed COMPLETELY WRONG. So do not go betting money on any of the people below on the basis that we told you to, because even if you do sue us (which you won't) we have no money to give you.

Scroll down.

Best Picture

Slumdog Millionaire*
Frost/Nixon
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Revolutionary Road

Best Director
Danny Boyle – Slumdog Millionaire*
Stephen Daldry – The Reader
David Fincher – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard – Frost/Nixon
Sam Mendes – Revolutionary Road

Best Actor
Sean Penn – Milk*
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler
Leonardo DiCaprio – Revolutionary Road
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon

Best Actress
Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married*
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Sally Hawkins – Happy-Go-Lucky
Kristin Scott Thomas – Il Y A Longtemps Que Je T’aime
Kate Winslet – Revolutionary Road

Best Supporting Actor
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight*
Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Robert Downey Jr. – Tropic Thunder
Dev Patel – Slumdog Millionaire
Josh Brolin – Milk

Best Supporting Actress
Kate Winslet – The Reader*
Penelope Cruz – Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Amy Adams – Doubt
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P. Henson – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BTW... Best Actress (as per usual) was the hardest to guess... we realise that Sally Hawkins and Kristin Scott Thomas are basically dark horses and not necessarily shoe-ins and that Meryl may win instead of Anne. Also Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo and Michelle Williams are all also in with a chance apparently.

Elsewhere we don't care. Apparently it's been a good year for foreign language films, but we haven't seen any and Wall-E is pretty much GUARANTEED to get that Animated Feature whatsit.

As you were.