GaGandalf.

I'm not really deserving of the first GaGa Live post. I almost definitely will forget the order of the set list and all the juicy details, but I spent three hours in a seething, sweaty pit of gay gyrating men with negligible amounts of personal space whilst wearing ridiculous platform pole dancer fetish shoes, so if pain and endurance can qualify writerly authority, I am almost justified.

Considering the fine varnish of perspiration encasing body, clothes and face, the incessant strobe lighting, the blaring pump of countless tinny poppers o'clock remixes and the undulating ocean of flailing, careless limbs surrounding and slapping us, the wait was worth it.

Ushered on stage after a slightly unsettling Warholian short (f)art house short involving pink paint and a Minnie Mouse voice, this petite barbie figurine of pop perfection erupted into "Just Dance." Considering her aggressive touring recently and constant live performances of the single, it was shocking to see such utter conviction and freshness in her performance. Despite the intricacy of a silver lame dress covered in origami style ornamental folds with a cinched waist, there was still a glut of hair flicking, impeccable dancing, forceful melisma-ing and confident crowd interaction. What in real life seems slightly ridiculous with slightly Essex style extensions and love of bronzing products made utter sense under harsh club lights and waves of camera flashes (real/fake papparazi were positioned at sides of stage) transforming her into a vicious, charlestoning warrior of amazingness.

At some point her space age froth skirt is removed by her sculpted, lithe dancers and her infamous black control briefs exposed. More dancing and singing ensues. There is a Messiah-like lift where she is carried round the stage on the shoulders of her toned whippet minions which I suspect was nicked from The Passion of The Christ, and we then descend into another pulsating anthem. Possibly "Poker Face"? Much weave tossing and crotch grabbing, both by herself and dancers.

Short intermission follows, another film shown, this time dedicated to The Brain (the first to The Heart..still unclear on these) featuring the same Helium voice, a Hello Kitty brush, platinum tangle clumps and Johnsons Baby Powder (?) GaGa reappears, this time clad in a Xena style breastplate complimenting her black Spanx. Rinse and repeat. Delves into "LoveGame", producing a literal Disco Stick which ACTUALLY GLOWS. Vaguely reminiscent of Saruman from LOTR especially with the additional swathes of poker straight pony mane. There is writhing and riding along with neat stick tricks. Another song I don't know, equally fierce. Then treated to "Papparazi"? Very good. Think "PokerFace" was actually finale...At some point there is the third in the trilogy of Willy Wonka film inserts (the bit with the TV transporter in a cavernous, whitewashed atrium.) GaGandalf is now wearing a stocking over her face in The Head. Lost as to the meaning of this. Slightly disturbed.

When this blur of lights, crotches, tuneful bellowing and writhing comes to an end,her breastplate is removed and a cake is produced. She thanks faceless cake minion, asks audience whether they would like some, proceeds to chuck some at us (after her previous dictatorial commands for hand waving and singalong-ing and various questionings throughout set: "are you feeling G-A-Y?!" "Probably.") Then mumbles she's not feeling so good in her innocent chipmunk voice and disappears in a bubble of ripped young men. Confusion ensues. More tinny music pumped at us from the DJ and the audience is unsure of how they should respond. Some hasten to exits, other start a rallying chant of "GA GA!" etc. Before we now it, the shapely flaxen headed goblin is back with an encore of "The Fame". The dance routine features a move that only be likened to throat scratching. Much of the same occurs, she prances, pumps, belts and bumps her way through the song with the same perplexing mix of stamina, cheekiness and enthusiasm, and then in a cloud of flashes and disco ball seizures, is gone.

Any critic who would dare suggest she is a derivative successor to Gwen and Christina had better start eating their words now, because that short performance was so breathtakingly flawless, invigorating and downright fresh that those girls have been blown out of the water x10000.