Fake Houseparty!

We love Nicola Roberts. We shouldn't feel the need to add that disclaimer, but the internet being what it is, we're just protecting ourselves from HATEFUL COMMENTS.

Anyway, her new video, "Yo-Yo".

Fake houseparties in music videos can be notoriously hard to pull off. For every "Just Dance" (which despite being one of Germanotta's weakest MVs to date, still managed to successfully create the impression of a genuinely good houseparty) there are a handful of music videos that either don't have the budget or haven't hired extras with enough wild abandon so end up looking like awkward and staid affairs.

Unfortunately Nicola's isn't quite a success. BUT NEVER MATTER. Who really gives a shit if the 'party' in question looks like several 30-something hipster ladies who work in media and pr bouncing like hyperactive hares and rabbits in a large creepy wet room when you have SEXY NICOLA LOOKING IMPECCABLE.

Srsly. The music video is supposed to be emotional and narrative. It's supposed to draw you in and make you relate, then cry. But it's not, really. Or not to us, anyway. To us it's about bathing in the magnificent glow of Nicola Roberts Esq.'s beauty.

AWWWWWWWW

We kind of shamefully forgot about Nicola Roberts after her album came out. She went quiet and whilst we gave the full thing many spins for about 2 weeks, we got caught up with other stuff. Enter stage left: the "Yo-Yo" video behind the scenes! Just in time. Deus Ex Youtube or something.

Watching this has just reinforced how brilliant the Roberts' first collection of self-penned songs is. Those intense, exhilarating middle 8s, the playful, delightful, clever without being clever-clever lyrics and the soaring pop melodies all tied up in the pearlescent bow of slightly off-kilter production.

We're excited again.

And just WHAT do we think of "Give Me All Your Love"?

It's been a long time coming. The length of time between Hard Candy and the leaking of "Give Me All Your Love", the rumoured lead single for the new Madonna era, is the single longest period between any two Madonna albums so far. The period saw the release of a definitive greatest hits collection, two new 'lifestyle' lines and an entire new film, so it's not like she was sitting at home watching Loose Women and wishing she was bezzies with Denise Welch. But true Madonna fans couldn't give a fuck (LaToya) about any of that shit - it's the music which matters foremost, every time.

We've written about our excitement/uncertainties of the producers M is working with (Martin Solveig is the main producer/songwriter while the wizard behind Ray of Light, William Orbit, is executive producing) before and this was the first chance we've had to appraise the results. On first listen, the only thought our brains could process apart from "THIS IS A NEW MADONNA SONG THIS IS A NEW MADONNA SONG THIS IS A NEW MADONNA SONG" was "Okay... Beautiful Stranger". The dreamy 60s surf-pop sound is floating in the background, behind surprisingly infectious cheerleading chants - we were uncertain how they would work but we're pleased with the final product. The lyrical quality on the whole is a tad poor, but the song progression and chorus especially are rapturous and attention-snatching. Vocally, she sounds so passionate - angry and happy and bursting with life and energy. Maybe this break from music was totally what she needed to be excited about creating music again.

As a lead single, we do feel like it falls short of the standard set before. Madonna is renowned for opening each game-changing era with an equally game-changing lead single - think of them. Okay maybe not the first album (hey there "Everybody") but since then - "Like a Virgin", "Live to Tell", "Like a Prayer" (undefeated song of the century), "Erotica", "Secret", "Frozen", "Music", "American Life", "Hung Up" (possibly her finest lead single ever) and even poor old "4 Minutes" all had that immediate "Wow, what the fuck is this?" feeling upon first listen. As much as we enjoy "Give Me All Your Love" and feel that great rush each time with further listens, we feel like it would make a much more exciting second single... the lead single needs to have that magical spark which is somehow just missing.

To summarise: if we weren't that excited before for the new Madonna era, we bloody well are now. Hurray!

(PS we'll discuss Nicola Roberts another time)

Get out the tissues...

NO NOT FOR THAT REASON YOU WRONG-HEADED PERVS. Because you are about to weep. Nicola done done a soppy ballad song about being bullied and it is a heartbreaker. Lock up the knives and nooses before you listen.

Zesty!

Yeah the effects are a bit cheap-looking and it doesn't really go anywhere, even when Nicola is... er... going somewhere. But she's so sweet-looking and playful and charismatic and charming and the song is such a summer stunner that we don't really care.

Goddess.

If you have an internet connection (we don't want to be presumptuous) and you are interested in Nicola Roberts, you will have undoubtedly already seen the music video for her new single, "Lucky Day". Unfortunately it wasn't the finished article, and has been pulled from all corners of the internet. It had EFFECT GOES HERE and other words all over it. Arty.

Anyway until the final thing comes out, here is the cover art.

Disappointment, not anger.

This is Nicola Roberts' album cover and considering her magnificence, it is just not up to scratch. Yes, yes we see what they did there, but you want to CONNECT with an artist when you gaze upon their artwork. You want to see them looking into your soul. Also: poor font choice.

1. "Beat of My Drum"
2. "Dance in the Rain"
3. "Pretty Persuasion"
4. "Sticks & Stones"
5. "Porcelain Heart"
6. "Take a Bite"
7. "Dating"
8. "I"
9. "Yo Yo"
10. "Cinderella’s Eyes"
11. "Lucky Day"
12. "Been There, Done That"
13. "Want You (So Bad)"
14. "Wanna Dance"
15. "Disco, Blisters & a Comedown" [Bonus Track]

Having said that, the album tracks sound incredible. Songs about rain are always welcome (although often disappointing) and "Pretty Persuasion", "Take a Bite" and "Been There, Done That" are amazing song titles and we await them eagerly.

Do we think Nicola can manage a top 10 album? She has a rabid fanbase and seems more of an albums artist, than a singles one, but you never know. She could go the way of Goddess Siobhan... :(

This isn't so disappointing...

On the other side of the coin to the post below, not all Scouse solo stars off-of massive British girl bands are putting out mediocre stuff. We've had this for over a week, but it's taken us a while to fully comprehend how marvellous this Nicola Roberts situation is. She has been earmarked as our favourite Girls Alouder since around the Tangled Up campaign when she started to back off the fake tan, and while we always knew that really she was just a chav from Runcorn there still seemed something 'alternative' about her. And we were right. While Cheryl picked non-descript, blandest of bland American producers, Nicola got right onto Major friggin Lazer for her debut and ended up putting her name to the finer of the two recent Lazer solo girl songs (throwing shade toward Houston, Texas).

Nicola's song and video has given us everything we wanted from her and more. A joyful, ecstasy-laden dance routine, a romp of a song with a fiery drum beat and most importantly a popstar with personality. We predict the strength of this song alone will send her popularity soaring, and if it doesn't, it will only confirm what we've always known about the listening public: most are thick as pig shit. Enjoy!

C A R D I A C A R R E S T

Fucking hell. We've dreamed of this day for YEARS. *sits refreshing internet until entire video makes its premiere*

Speaking of Flawless Roberts...

Here are some Nicola Roberts snippets. If you press play below you will hear about 30 secs ('secs', not 'sex') of her up-and-coming debut solo single and its b-side, "Porcelain Heart". Never let it be said that we are not informative, even if we have to beat around several bushels to get there.

This is all very exciting, and we're sure that in their full capacity they will blow our socks off. What is intriguing, though, is that Diplo, who produced "Beat of My Drum", seems to have sampled his own Major Lazer song, "Pon de Replay" here, too, as WELL as on Beyoncé's current flop underperforming lead single, "Run The World (Girls)" which he also produced. What is he playing at? Is it a joke? Is he just getting lazy? Is it for a writing credit? We do not understand.

"Porcelain Heart" sounds good too. Sad and midtempo, two things that go very well together in the world of sophisticated synth-orientated pop. It sounds a bit too good to be a b-side, actually, so perhaps it will be on the album, too. Perhaps it won't, and in actual fact, all the stuff on the album is so amazing that "Porcelain Heart" seemed a bit rubbish in comparison and so was 'canned'. Either way, amazingness abounds.

"Beat of My Drum"

"Porcelain Heart"

Eternally sorry for lateness once more

By the time you read this you will already have heard the above instrumental clip of Nicola Roberts' first single, "Beat of My Drum". But just in case you haven't... here it is. It does sound incredible doesn't? Lots of proper professional music bloggers have already heard the song in its entirety. We are jealous. If they are to be believed, it is amazing.

More of Nicola's feet

This really is a foot/shoe fetishist's dream...

Just hurry up and release the song, babes.

BOW DOWN (TO HER FEET)

Nicola Roberts (or her people) have been slowly releasing shots of her glorious FEET (who is in charge of this? Quentin Tarantino?). But that's not all. The producers have been confirmed/involved in a tweet-based countdown. So far we know that Diplo and Metronomy are working on the project. Colour us even more excited, if that is even possible (it is, it isn't, either way we're on the floor, drooling from our mouths and no other orifices, thank you).

MELTDOWN ENSUES

Future and current LEGEND Nicola Roberts' music career: the first glimpse. Henry Holland, fashion designer, friend of Roberts (and, are we to assume, collaborator?) just posted the following link (here!) on his official twitter.

Words are actually failing us, we are that excited.

HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH!

Nicola Roberts a.k.a. Clearly The Best Member of Girls Aloud is officially releasing solo material! No, we're not posting sources, because it comes from the (ever reputable) News of the World and they won't even let us search their website, let alone copy and past vast blocks and chunks. ANYWAY. We don't care if it's a flop of Nadine-sized proportions. We don't care if it's shit and dodgily produced. The fact that the ethereal ginger Runcorn goddess is deigning to waft down an album from Redhaired Heaven is reason enough to run naked through the streets screaming "MUSIC IS SAAAAAAAAAAAVED".

Sigh. If only Nicola were a solo popstar...

Not quite what we were hoping for...

When Girls Aloud's official website announced that they had 'exciting Nicola news', we were hoping that it would be tidings of her harp-infused, Medieval damsel-inspired concept album about the plight of ginger women in the 50s featuring her burlesque counterpart 'Cherry Cola'. Either that or those Vivienne Westwood adverts she was supposedly doing but never materialised.

But, no. As per always we didn't get what we want. The 'exciting Nicola news' in question was that Ms. Roberts would be doing "a brand new documentary for BBC3 all about the dangers of fake-tanning and sun beds." (!) Whilst we admire Nicola's campaigning on the behalf of pale people everywhere and are certain that this will make absolutely top-notch telly, it's not quite what we were hoping for. No news on when it'll broadcast unfortunately but 'we'll keep you posted'.

What's Nicola Roberts been wearing lately?

Because Lady GaGa isn't the only popstar obsessed with fashion. Having now consumed and digested the Cheryl Cole album clips (widely available on the internets) we've returned to how we previously felt (how we felt all along really...): ALL WE WANT IS A NICOLA ROBERTS SOLO ALBUM. CHRIST, PLEASE.

Although it must adhere to these rules:

1. It must be unmistakeably 'pop'.
2. It should be co-written/produced by Xenomania... they seem to bring out the best in the Aloud girls whether they like it or not.
3. Nevertheless, it should not SOUND like a Girls Aloud record. At all.
4. It should include both synths and harps and the occasional viola.
5. Potentially a bell.
6. It should feature Nicola Roberts' alter ego, 50s burlesque dancer Cherry Cola.
7. The album artwork should feature a parasol.
8. It should be released under the name Nicola but NOT NICOLA RUNCORN ROBERTS.

We realise those reasons up there are terrifying and disastrous. It's a good thing we don't run a record label, isn't it?

Here's Cherry Cola cuddling up to Rihanna at Paris Fash Week. ('Fash'?)

Pictures via Nicola Roberts Dot Org!

Twitterwars of Our Times: Edition 445

The rivalry between Sugababes and Girls Aloud is ridiculous. First off: there's no actual manifest rivalry between the bands themselves... but such is the nature of the media and their fans that there is a constant rumour mill of supposed non-existent rivalry in incessant circulation. Oh... except Keisha decides to rise to the challenge every time she's provoked. Or should we say 'lower herself'.

Anyway... they latest is that a random Nicola Roberts fan on twitter has insulted Keisha and she has responded in a really sad way. First of all:
To which Keisha replied:
Hilarious. We like how Keisha adds the 'babe' to make it more personal. Also: "STAN"????

Top Ten of the Week: Ginger Ladies

10. Siobhan Donaghy


9. Sarah McLachlan


8. Alyson Hannigan


7. Linda LaHughes


6. Tilda Swinton


5. Nicola Roberts


4. Julianne Moore


3. Ginger Spice


2. Susan Sarandon


1. Tori Amos