But truthfully the lie of it all is much more honest. Or something. We're not stupid. We know Madonna didn't invent the wheel. She didn't invent being blonde. She didn't invent denim. She didn't invent the 80s. She didn't invent pop music. She didn't invent being a female popstar. She didn't invent stripping off. She didn't invent being naked. She didn't invent red lipstick or bangles or rhinestones. She didn't invent dance routines or sex or gay people or fighting for gay rights.
But seriously. If you're a popstar, and one of the biggest banes of your career is that people keep (no matter what you're doing) comparing what you do to Madonna... Why would you dress like that? If a question about the criticism you received for a song sounding so similar to a Madonna one reduced you to tears, why would you dress like that? We don't get it?
Very recently, Robyn released a video for her new single, "Call Your Girlfriend", in which she danced around a large warehouse. The video contained only one outfit and one location and yet it was one of the most wonderful, heart-soaring and watchable videos in recent memory. One of the reasons the video was so 'basic', was, we presume, because of money restraints. Whilst she has a strong, loyal following (hipsters + gays), she doesn't command a multi-million-dollar budget and so she has to be inventive and creative. As Paris from Gilmore Girls once said: "Some of the greatest art is created under oppression". Not that Robyn is oppressed but... ok we'll stop now.
Lady GaGa, on the other hand, has tried a similar trick and come up with a video so boring that we can't quite bring ourselves to watch it again. We know what she was aiming for: epic, simple, iconic, something like that. But for some reason, it just isn't working. Maybe La Gags' facade of star quality is beginning to wear off, and her self-consciously outré stages, sets and costumes are all to hide her shortcomings in that area, finally exposed. Maybe not.
Maybe they had something more elaborate planned, as internet rumour is suggesting, with director Joseph Kahn, who helmed her "LoveGame" and "Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)" videos, who was ALLEGEDLY unceremoniously given the boot over creative differences. Maybe they didn't like his vision and this was all they could come up with at short notice. We once wrote an article about videos that are made this way.
Whatever the reasoning, this is not something we'll be returning to again and again.
Now that it's been long enough since its release for us to safely assume it's NOT a joke, the execrable and aesthetically offensive Lady Germagoggles artwork shall be assessed, ripped apart and publicly chastised in true S&N fashion.
Above is what could have been. Iconic, simple, striking. Not perfect, no. But it (sort of) gets the message across, and its eye-catching without even trying hard. We knocked it up in Fireworks in 3 minutes (and then photographed it on our phone to give it texture).
We're not even going to post the real artwork. It'll make our blog uggers, and anyway, unless you live under a very large rock (or impersonate one on your album cover, like Lykke Li) you've doubtless already seen it. And if you haven't... you know Google? Use it.
Anything I write here has probably either been invented by, birthed by or copyrighted by Lady GaGa by now. Monstrous? Hers. Honey, no? Hers. Um? Hers. Concrete nouns? Concrete monsters! Adjectives? Ad-monster-ives! Hand job? Paw job! (That sounds wrong on so many thousands of levels, pretend it never happened.) Language? Monsteruage! Millions of years of biological evolution upon which centuries of human development and progress delicately rest? GaGa-lution of monster-ress!!
I have been invented by Lady GaGa. My soul has been lovingly crafted in Lady GaGa's celestial paws. Sorry, 'Mother Monster's' celestial paws. She created me in her shoddily conceived ego-wank of a monster-mythology (sorry, monsterology), written when 'the myxomatosis of the Twilight (TM) of the infernal, infamous Tempura began, as the Pendulum of Joyce Summers danced a flance so hard it flew up a flammable backside never to be seen again.' She created this very same thought that I am trying to organise (unsuccessfully) into words. Sorry, monstords. Pawrds. She has already anticipated my commentary on this seven minute fart, she already knows that I am going to say that, dressed as a Gay Pope, reclining on a billboard platform last seen in the 'Lucky' video with a googly eye stuck to her chin, she is going to usher us all up into the shimmering, unicorn delights of Utopia. Sorry, Monstertopia. That there, in Monstertopia, we shall find the acceptance and love yet to exist on the grimy surface of Earth for LGBT people and everyone ever. Sorry, Monster-ay, Monster-bian, Bi-monsterual, Trans-monsterian and everymonster evermonster. Although that's a bit of a cop out really, considering Madame Monster de Monster Mon invented the Earth. Sorry, Monstearth. Actually, her power, sorry, monster-wer is so great, she invented God (sorry, Monster-od) who invented the Monstearth. But hey, at least there are unicorns. Sorry, monstericorns.
The Pink Prophet, sorry, Monsterink Monsterphet, has converted me. Sorry, monster-verted me. Doing a dance routine in a bra and knicker set and flailing around in an acrylic Hanky-Panky ponytail and a pair of shower shoes (the symbolism here is far too profound and arcane for me to ever uncover their true meaning) has convinced me that I was born once, that people are born and that there are bad things and that bad things shouldn't happen, wheelchair, rollerskates, chola, Orientalism, homo, homo, 'but some of my best friends are Lebanese!'. Sorry, Monstering a monster-nce monstertine monsterin monstera monsterbra MONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTER.
Mythologies are crafted over hundreds of years, passed down orally (ooh-er) through generations, venerated, written and rewritten, created to justify or celebrate the random and chaotic occurences in our natural environment. Gradually, painstakingly, they are disseminated, reinterpreted, retold, refined and reinforced by the innate human hunger for narrative, order and explanation.
They do not just appear in a gay bar dressed up for a Hipster Prom in morbid facepaints and a candyfloss pony mane, proclaiming that culture, suffering and all evil (all of which were, incidentally, invented by Monsterdy Monster-Ga Monster-Ga) has now, conclusively come to an end. They are not "Born This Way".
We cannot be fucked with awards ceremonies right now. This time of year is usually the period when they all seem to take place - do we see some correlation? The Oscars are next week, the BRITs are tonight, the BAFTAs were Sunday night... boring nominations, boring egos and boring self-applauding all around. However, with mind-numbingly dull winners comes hand in hand hot mess performances, red carpet dresses and the Grammys seem to consistently come out on top of Hottest & Messiest Music Awards Show Evah.
Because we know you want the facts and the facts fast, we've prepared a fabulous little list of the five finest moments of the 2011 Grammys...
5. Nicki Minaj's barnet
Would it be inaccurate of us to assume Mademoiselle Minaj has decided Lil' Kim isn't a suitable role model for her anyway, and Elsa Lanchester is more up her street. Well, Elsa and Mel B. Leopard Bride of Frankenstein fire.
4. Arcade Fire winning Best Album
It's not our favourite Arcade Fire album, but it's still fucking amazing and we're so proud of Canada's finest band for beating Justin Bieber. It seems not everyone feels the same though :(
3. "Born This Way" It's a mess, it's terrible, it's brilliant, it's horrendous, it's fantastic, whatever. Naturally, people were disappointed by this very-basic-by-Gaga standard, although a world in which being wheeled on stage in a plastic egg and emerging from it wearing the yolk as a chapeau is considered basic is a tad scary, but we slightly appreciated the lack of gimmicks. It was straight up singing and dancing. Well, and she got wheeled on in an egg.
2. Ricky Martin introducing "Born This Way" "You can love who you want!" Yeah! Why does it sound so much more since being echoed by a gay man?
1. Christina Aguilera's chin, bingo wings and vocal cords All absolutely fabulous.
When Lady GaGa first emerged in 2008 we were in love. We're not going to lie or pretend we saw through her from the start. We genuinely thought she was incredible/the future/incendiary.
In interviews she was charming and intelligent and self-aware. In performances she was brave and unusual and fierce (NOT THAT KIND OF FIERCE). Her music was superpop but with kitsch Americana worked in. Reviewers kept banging on about the supposed euro house influence, but we heard pure 80s synthpop humping the leg of American chart R&B, whilst 70s glam rock looked on and rubbed its pervy hands in glee.
Almost everything she did sounded and looked unfathomably fresh because NO new artist in 20 years had put this much effort into being the perfect pop star. We were living through a dearth of good pop in the charts. Amazing pop by the likes of Robyn and Róisín and Ladyhawke and Goldfrapp was appreciated on a small scale but wasn't pushing through.
So Lady GaGa single handedly changed the landscape of pop music (for ever?).
Even with the release of her irritatingly confusing EP/Second Album?/Rerelease? The Fame Monster, we were still mightily impressed. There wasn't a total progression in sound (yet) but it was infinitely more focussed, more mature, wiser, less one-tone, less camp, less dependent on nostalgia mixed with novelty.
But that's exactly what the lead single from her Second Album Proper, Born This Way, is: nostalgia mixed with novelty.
When reviewers said that "Born This Way" was going to sound like Madonna, specifically "Express Yourself", we didn't realise that the resemblance was going to be so... uncanny. Referencing or being inspired by Madonna is never something that we're going to criticise or sneer at. We worship Madge, we revere her. But simply cutting and pasting a melody from one of her 80s hits and changing the lyrics (to something contrived and embarrassing) and adding a four-to-the-floor pounding house beat isn't adding a new twist to anything.
We've been cynical about GaGa for a while (since we went to her live show at the O2 and spent more time listening to her make up a plot that wasn't even ROOTED in sense than actually watching an exhilarating show) but we still held out hope.
This project sounded like it was going to be darker, grittier with a more varied set of references. In the interview Gaga just did with American Vogue, the journalist described tracks with intriguing names like "Judas" and "Government Hooker", whilst "Scheiße", a track that appeared online (albeit in remix form) seemed to be reminiscent of scary German industrial. The Vogue interviewer, when describing the sound of the new material threw around phrases and words like Edith Piaf, mariachi band, sledgehammering, and biblical.
Believe it or not, we were actually hoping (and still are, secretly) that these were indicators that Lady GaGa's second album would be an epic, gothic rock opera incorporating unusual and disparate sounds into a huge tangled web of what she does best: soaring melodies and eye-raising lyrics and superior pop multi-choruses. Not camp, lukewarm retreads.
Of course, you can judge for yourself, but as far as we're concerned, this isn't even a step backwards for the Lady. It's a step down.
This has leaked, as songs are wont to do in the 22nd (wait... 21st?) Century and apparently it's by and for Lady GaGa. It certainly sounds like her and if it's not, someone has a very lucrative career as a GaGa impersonator in their future. In fact, no, it definitely is her. That has to be her, right?
Anyway nobody knows what this is for. Rumours include but are not limited to: it's the lead single for her next album, it's an album track from her next album, it's a future single for her next album, it has nothing to do with her next album, it's by her but a demo for a different artist's album, it's not by her and it's for a different artist's album.
Consensus at Shiny & New Headquarter Towers is that it's pretty good. Instantly catchy and memorable, not too derivative etc. etc. etc. THAT IS, if it's an album track, a third or fourth single or a song for another artist. It doesn't exactly demonstrate a 'development' or a 'progression' or a 'growth' in sound, theme or lyric. Mind you, we thought that about the "Alejandro" leak and that's now one of our fave Lady GüGü songs.
When you have practically single-handedly created one of the most brilliant, infamous, excessive, exposed music videos of all time, the world is going to be watching with the combined scrutinisation of the glittering gays of the world wide web. Something MJ and Madge didn't have to cope with. And so following the milestone which was "Telephone", the way-beyond-eagerly awaited "Alejandro" premièred about nine minutes ago. We know we're not the first ones to say/think that the whole blind GaGa devotion thing is getting very old and very fast - as we read on another blog recently, the GaGa gays who mock and pour scorn on the Justin Bieber obsessives are no more normal/sane themselves. This woman. Can do. No wrong.
The fact of the matter is, "Alejandro" is a beautiful video. There's some "Rhythm Nation" dancing, there's some Hayley-from-Coronation-Street haircuts (always a bonus, regardless of the situation or medium), there's lots of frotting with muscle Marys in stilettos. It's your classic 'weird' GaGa. She's so avant garde. She's so revolutionary. She's re-invented the music video, again. Well no, she isn't and she hasn't. She's an excellent popstar who is creating different music videos to the broad majority of most artists today but she is not innovative - in fact she is quite shamelessly derivative. Aside from the Janet choreography, the Madonna comparisons which have always been there and which will continue to come, will only be inflated further by this video. It's impossible to watch certain large sections of the video and not experience flashbacks to "Vogue". That's fine. We're not knocking it. What we're saying is, can the comparisons between GaGa and the fucking Messiah calm down?
Watch the video. It's good. It's beautiful. But it's not going to change the world. Hell, even "Telephone" didn't - it got something like four zillion YouTube hits, it was nine minutes long and it had Beyoncé in it. It was a milestone achievement but again, it didn't change the landscape of pop. Enjoy "Alejandro".
OH NO ACTUALLY ON SECOND THOUGHTS we would like to make a comment, preceded by a disclaimer:
DISCLAIMER: We love Lady GaGa, she is rad.*
COMMENT: You know that girl at school who was actually really rather intelligent and capable but, for reasons beyond your understanding, felt the need to hammer her intelligence home with a series of forced eccentricities that induced a cringe in yourself, despite everyone else getting off on it? You know how, despite being, as mentioned before, incredibly smart, she never really managed to match up to her intelligence with a correlating vocabulary/eloquence/set of reference points and would muddle through questions RE: her supposed influences in the manner of someone a little out of their depth, intellectually?
*we promise never to use the word 'rad' again.
P.S. What has caused Lady GaGa's whiteness of face/startled owl expression? If someone says 'tiredness' we're inclined to reply with 'naïve'.
This is what Lady GaGa's "Alejandro" video is going to look like: it's quite hard to judge at this point but we see a hell of a lot of Madonna in there.
We know we like to keep up a regular Top Ten of the Week (see our brand new one at the right!) but now we're borrowing our completely original format and giving you a Top Five of the Day because we think you have the right to know what ten songs we would LOVE to see mashed-up - the big homo twist is that five are Lady GaGa songs, and five are from... Madonna. This grew from a typical conversation your Shiny & New writers had strolling through a park in Paris last August (sigh!) and we've been having regular wet dreams about it since. We haven't been the first and we won't be the last to continually draw parallels between the pair, but while it is our sincere belief that as long as Madonna continues to perform and create music she will remain the Queen, it is inescapable how close GaGa is to one day taking the crown. And so, in no particular order...
5. "Material Girl vs. Money Honey" The similarities are obvious - both declare, ironically or not, a pash for cash. We'd love to see GaGa perform the chorus of "Material Girl" as a bridge or something in her live shows, as she throws dollar bills in the air with her face on them. We're not joking.
4. "Human Nature vs. Paper Gangsta" Not the most obvious combination but we can definitely imagine GaGa screeching about her men not being men(?)ly enough over the dirty beats of "Human Nature". Complete with cornrows and a snazzy little chihuahua.
3. "Into the Groove vs. Just Dance" Here we can imagine Madonna's youthful and energetic vocals layered over the futuristic - off-topic slightly but since we first heard "Just Dance" in early 2008 we've become slightly lax in our memories of just how new, fresh and different it sounded on first listen - track of GaGa's debut. Both are (or will be in years to come) seen as unquestionably powerful dance anthems. Natch.
2. "Vogue vs. Dance in the Dark" Okay so you can see this coming - it's all about the name-dropping rap. When "Dance" first leaked, blogs erupted in choruses of "It's Vogue 2009!" "It's better than Vogue!" and "What the fuck is Vogue?" etc. It would be awesome to see Madonna drop in segments of the "Dance" rap in future performances of "Vogue", or equally powerful for GaGa to reference her single biggest influence, whether she admits it or not, with replacing her own rap with the "Vogue" rap as a one-off or something. Sigh. We can dream. Is this article just too fanboy for you?
1. "La Isla Bonita vs. Alejandro" Okay, okay. This is the biggie. This is the one we would die to hear... or even better, see as a live collaboration. Heads. Would. Ex. Plode. Common lyrical themes - the love and longing for a man of Latino origin, the blissful summery beats and melodies, the feeling in your hips of wanting to grind upon the nearest tanned male... just us? We're not sure entirely how this arrangement would work. But it would. It has to.
So that was the end of our screamingly homo dream sequence. What do you think of our selections? More importantly, what mashups/collaborations would you like to see between the Queen and her pretender?
We love you Lady GaGa. We forked out for tickets to your tour. We (between us) own both The Fame AND The Fame Monster. We even own two of your single picture discs and a smattering of tshirts with your face on. So, yeah, we're fans.
But babe, perhaps you need to indulge in a bit of vocal rest. You sound fab sitting at the piano, but in the midst of a dance routine, you've lost some of your vocal heft. Perhaps put your feet up with a nice cup of lemon and honey. You can even make it cooler by drinking it out of a glittery sex straw in the shape of a HIGHLY AVANT-GARDE penis or something.
Also a cheesey bossa nova section? Really?
We are eagerly awaiting your new music video for "Alejandro", though. And, as always, 10/10 for effort.
We're exhausted. Here's our chat transcript while watching Lady GaGa's "Telephone" video. LOLs and OMGs galore. Can you blame us?
Rickytickytavy says: let's start A-Dolla says: PRISON MUST MEAN LESBIANS Rickytickytavy says: LOL, LESBO GAGA AND LESBONCÉ A-Dolla says: very jackie brown typography... omg omg is that daryl hannah? Rickytickytavy says: this is so tarantino A-Dolla says: THIS IS BAD GIRLS Rickytickytavy says: Shawshank Lesdemption? A-Dolla says: how can she style her hair so well in prison? NAKED NAKED NAKED Rickytickytavy says: Jailhouse Rock? Cell Block Tango? A-Dolla says: i'm pissing with excitement... LMAO "I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T HAVE A DICK": SELF-REFERENCING WE LOVE Rickytickytavy says: OMG OMG OMG.... this is SO DYKEY A-Dolla says: gratuitous headphones shot Rickytickytavy says: this is the lesbianest thing i have ever seen A-Dolla says: i love how dr dre finances all of her videos... omg is that kd lang? Rickytickytavy says: does he? LOL IT IS KD LANG! A-Dolla says: SHE THINKS SHE'S ACTUALLY MADONNA Rickytickytavy says: i bet they just put on the casting sheet: CALLING ALL LESBIANS A-Dolla says: erykah badu as onlooker... no sorry that's mel b Rickytickytavy says: Lady GaGa wants an oscar. she won't get one... PRECIOUS!? A-Dolla says: LMAO! I CAN'T TAKING THE SINGING SERIOUSLY NOW AFTER ALL THAT DYKEINESS Rickytickytavy says: i know... this is ridick. her acting is atrocious A-Dolla says: gwenny gwen gwen Rickytickytavy says: Madonna WinhouseGwenGwen? A-Dolla says: new name right there Rickytickytavy says: quite like this bit... dykey haircut alert! she needs to dance in time though, her dancers are outshining her A-Dolla says: story of her tour... VIRGIN MOBILE FUCK OFF Rickytickytavy says: madonna would never let that happen because she can actually dance A-Dolla says: HERE COMES BOUNCY Rickytickytavy says: omg i'm so fucking excited A-Dolla says: this is what we've been waiting for: "YOU'VE BEEN A VERY BAD GIRL I AM CUMMING... cum cum cum cum cum Rickytickytavy says: OH MY GOD I JUST DID A WEE IN MY PANTS A-Dolla says: forgot beyoncé can act Rickytickytavy says: Beyoncé's acting is worse than gaga's. madonna should win an oscar for being better than these two A-Dolla says: i like it... its deena the dyke Rickytickytavy says: LOL Beyoncé has an inner dyke A-Dolla says: all the acting between the singing is losing the momentum so much though... beyoncé's bit was nowhere near as powerful Rickytickytavy says: maybe they'll do an edited down version... GRAND CENTRAL STATION BIT WHERE SHE LIFTS UP HER PANTS ON HER ARSE A-Dolla says: lollies solange just queefed in disgust Rickytickytavy says: why is this now set on Dinnerladies? Japanese cooking show? A-Dolla says: why are they watching jamie foxx hyperventilate? DADDY KNOWLES WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH THAT CUSS WORD BEYONCE... DANCE SEQUENCE DANCE SEQUENCE Rickytickytavy says: if Beyoncé can't even say 'bitch' how can she say motherfucker? A-Dolla says: LOVE LOVE LOVE BEYONCÉ Rickytickytavy says: this dance bit is amazing
As soon as we can, we will post Lady GaGa's "Telephone" video here (providing we're allowed to embed it). In the mean time peep these beautiful shots of the UK seven inch picture disc.
These are exciting times, readers. It's like being in the 80s again, when a Madonna video was an 'event' and Lady GaGa is bringing the magic back to pop etc. blah blah blah blahzzzzzz... Actually thinking about it, as exciting as this is: IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD.
Madonna's illegitimate daughter, Lady GaGa, is taking her long 'sweet' time releasing this video for "Telephone". There are overexcited gays worldwide currently in the process of exploding in a fountain of pink glittery blood and guts because THEY WANT IT NOW. Unfortunately 'want' doesn't get.
Perhaps to make up for the fact that she's still in 'the cutting room' painstakingly making sure she sticks to her 3000 product placement contracts 'to the tee' ("Diet Coke must feature for a minimum of 15 seconds prominently") or just generally dicking about with the funny wipe effects, GaGa has released a series of beautiful HQ screenshots into the world. You can check them all out at the resourceful and fairly excellent Lady-GaGa.net. They're fab, obv.
Seeing as it's been a bit slow for news these past few days, we thought we'd share some snaps, currently floating around the interweave, of Lady GaGa's up-and-coming "Telephone" video. We know flooding our blog with posts every time even a tiny bit of information regarding something potentially exciting pops up, is a bit unnecessary. But we're an amateur music blog. We can't rely on record labels sending us albums months before they're out or never-before-seen promo pics so we have to pounce on shit like this or we'd never run anything with even the vague (if false) sheen of exclusivity.
Disclaimer Shiny & New is a music blog and as such we don't deal in gossip or rumours although we occasionally touch on them. Any speculation relating to an individual's sexual orientation or drug use is solely for comedic effect and not meant to be taken as fact or news. If you take issue with any of the information posted on this blog or believe any of the media to be copyright infringement please contact us at chazandlindy@googlemail.com detailing your complaint and we will happily take the offending item(s) down. We would point out that this is a non-profit blog and we make no money whatsoever from it, so, like, don't sue us.
But truthfully the lie of it all is much more honest. Or something. We're not stupid. We know Madonna didn't invent the wheel. She didn't invent being blonde. She didn't invent denim. She didn't invent the 80s. She didn't invent pop music. She didn't invent being a female popstar. She didn't invent stripping off. She didn't invent being naked. She didn't invent red lipstick or bangles or rhinestones. She didn't invent dance routines or sex or gay people or fighting for gay rights.
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