We're believers.

Not the most exciting video of all time - think the basics of Janet's "Make Me" featuring "Just Dance"-era GaGa costumes under Madge's "Hung Up" nightclub-scene lighting with Jade Ewen's doppelgänger (soz Wyntz) - but the song is pure, Freemasons-does-euphoria bliss. We see big things for Wynter Garden but someone needs to sit her down and tell her that if she wants to make it huge in Amerikah, she'll need to stop working with amazing Europop-dance producers and start working with Ryan Tedder. Which we really don't want her to do. But y'know, best be honest with the girl.

An essay on how wonderful the Freemasons are, and why.

The Freemasons are absolutely brilliant. That is going to be the spin of this here piece of writing, so if you disagree, GO AWAY. But at least click on one of the ads at the side, Google needs to pay us more money.

The Freemasons are two men who live in Brighton and make amazing remixes of amazing songs. There are many remixers out there who have fashioned incredible new versions of classic songs, and there are many remixers who perhaps do something even more admirable – they make incredible versions of pretty shite songs. However, it is the norm of these people/outfits to not really count consistency as one of their greatest assets. We won’t name names, but Bimbo Jones for example has made some brill stuff and some bad stuff. The Freemasons? They. Can. Do. No. Wrong. And it’s not like we don’t have the evidence to back us up – no, no sirree, we’ve compiled a full portfolio of evidence, your honour, that the Freemasons are in fact the best thing in the world. Well, after Diet Coke, Madonna and peanut M&Ms. In March, around the time Sophie Ellis-Will-Never-Make-It-Big-Shame-But-Weird-Looking-So-Whatever-Bextor featured on the terrific “Heartbreak (Make Me Dancer)” we pondered why hadn’t we written about our appreciation for these princes of the pop pantheon before?

Point one: Green Light EP - Beyoncé
It could be argued that Beyoncé is the star who made the Freemasons stars. They had had sporadic success before hooking up with Mathew Knowles’ number one friend on MySpace, but creating the seminal Green Light EP of remixes of amazing tunes from B’s sophomore B’ Day was their first moment of genius. The first time we heard “Deja Vu” as swizzled up by the Brighton boys we got very excited and realised that God awful (see above when we called all songs remixed for the Green Light EP amazing, “Deja Vu most certainly isn’t) campaign lead singles can be turned into highly thrilling ditties. “Beautiful Liar” featuring the glittering Shakira (we’ll see more of her later) is severely heightened in the glamour stakes with a funny old bhangra man in the background, the eponymous “Green Light” was officially the best possible choice for a polyphonic ring tone in 2006 and “Ring the Alarm” – well, where do we start? “Ring the Alarm” is one of the Freemasons’ finest achievements, making “He’s so arrogant and bold” sound quite successfully like “He’s so African and bo”. We know it makes no sense but it sounds good. Those climatic strings – argh. Epic.

We still think to this day that if Beyoncé and the Freemasons had teamed up for a one-off show at G-A-Y or something and just performed the entire EP it would have been the greatest thing since... whatever. You know how good it would have been. Beyoncé knows it too. That’s why she wanted to make an entire album – what became I Am... Sasha Fierce – with them. But Mathew Knowles thought it would be too gay.

Point two: “Million Dollar Bill” – Whitney Houston
Let’s be honest, Ms. Houston is what you would call a bit of a flash in the pan. It just hasn’t worked out for her, has it? She went away for a few years, and to be fair she probably gave her ‘comeback’ the best shot she could muster – she did the promo, she did a relatively good album, she even did the world tour, despite her voice being beyond a shadow of its former self. Despite all of this, it just didn’t work. She won’t ever reach the dizzying heights she once met with ease. Sad face. What ever could turn our frown upside down? That’s it, a Freemasons remix of the Alicia Keys-penned lead single!

There aren’t many songs which can achieve the reaction “Million Dollar Bill” gets in a gay club when the DJ plays it. The entire place just erupts, and whether you are a Whitney fan or not, it is the most perfect little slice of brilliance you drop everything for the dance floor. Songwriters taking classes in Pop Music Euphoria 101 should listen to “Million Dollar Bill (Freemasons Mix” on day one of school.

Point three: “I Decided, Pt. 2” – Solange
We have a very special place in our hearts for dear Solange. She was one of the very first people we championed on Shiny & New, and her yellow lipstick had taken us all in when we first heard the most fantastic nod to Motown, “I Decided, Pt. 1” and the ecstatic “Sandcastle Disco”. In a theme began with her sister’s Green Light and continued with ‘family friend’ Kelly Rowland’s “Work” – more on her later – clearly some very clever record execs decided the original version was too ‘urban’ for Europe and needed gaying up. Much of the Freemasons’ income relies on these decisions.

And so, “I Decided, Pt. 2” was born – unusually named as the second part to the original, instead of being given the (Freemasons Mix) tag. Again, rather unusually for the ‘Mases, they seem to simply give the rather bare and basic (nuttin’ wrong with that, mind) “Pt. 1” a fully fleshed out incarnation rather than taking a complete pop song and turning it into a dance spectacular. It marks them out as above and beyond a standard remixing outfit; they only serve to plus the song. Solange and the song both deserve far more UK success than they received.

Point four: “The One” – Kylie Minogue
We’re sure regular readers of S&N know full well our feelings toward the lesser of the Minogue sisters (we don’t really have an opinion on that, we just like to rile stans up) – we simply love to hate the woman. She makes excellent, brilliant pop, so as much as she personally irritates the fuck out of us we try our hardest to detach the person from the music due to it being impossible to ignore how amazing it is. “The One” is one of our personal favourite Minogue songs ever, and is by far the finest track to be lifted from the gay-dividing X.

A pulsating love song backed by overwhelming synths, it stands as one of her finest dance-pop productions of recent years and we have the Freemasons and the Freemasons only to thank for this. They didn’t just remix the track (although they did provide a blissfully long 9-minute edit for clubs), they produced it in the first place. Maybe the reason why it stands out as an unmistakeable highlight on an album of hits and misses is the ridiculously high level of quality in production. It’s just a pleasure to listen to.


Point five: “Work” – Kelly Rowland
We don’t really know where to begin with this. What the Freemasons did to “Work”, a pretty standard – yet surprisingly filthy – RnB/dance track Kelly put out in a rather desperate attempt to claw back some of the former glory only Destiny’s Child could give her, is probably their finest effort. As we mentioned earlier, some record label executives have seen fit, particularly with alumni and friends of previously mentioned amazing girl band DC, to release a song in the United States and provide a remix, nearly always dance-orientated to European markets. How well this works is debatable, but we thank our lucky stars every time we hear this particular remix our home country is part of Europe.

Kelly opens both tracks with “This ain’t gon’ be easy” oozing with sex and syrup (isn’t that a Christina Aguilera track?) but in the remix it just sounds so much hotter. It’s an absolute mess of bhangra beats, horns, strings, synths, house piano and it works like alchemy. Its absolutely epic, a track of mammoth, supreme proportions and something Kelly should be – and from the sound of her latest release “Commander”, is – very proud of.

Point six: “Wonderful Life” – Hurts
You should already be aware of how exceptional Hurts are, and if you don’t, leave this blog immediately. “Wonderful Life” isn’t our personal favourite of theirs, but “Better Than Love” is a hard track to top. However, it seems to lend itself very well to remixes, and the Freemasons Edit is no different. After 1,300 words on how brilliant these two men are, we completely understand if you’re knackered and bored. So are we. But they deserve this applause, and “Wonderful Life” being their most recent mix and one of their very best, deserves a little spotlight. It seems they brainstormed around a central theme of ‘Pet Shop boys in Berlin after a long weekend in Tiesto’s Dutch love nest’ and somehow it popped out as a fully formed pop classic. Highlighting the highs, brushing over the lows – what they do best.

We’re exhausted. Email us your postal address and we’ll send you a chocolate medal if you made it this far. Well done.

Is it us or is this brillo and pads?

Freemasons, of course.

Gurrrrrrrl!

While we will admit that due to our age, our impression of Whitney "The Voice" Houston is more clouded with cocaine than innocent 80s dance pop, we can still acknowledge some of the amazing tunes she's pumped out over the years. "How Will I Know", "So Emotional", "My Name is Not Susan", "It's Not Right But It's Okay", "My Love Is Your Love", and of course the EPIC "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" are overflowing with fabulosity (we need new descriptives) and we must admit her brand new comeback "Million Dollar Bill" is probably up with the greats. We are admirers of the original, but our hearts truly lie with the Freemasons Remix, as of course anything they touch turns into infinitely better versions of the originals, no matter how good they are in the first place. We cannot WAIT to grind with the sweaties in Heaven to this.

3/10

You can watch the new Freemasons featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor video here. Although, to be honest, the Freemasons aren't actually in it, so it might as well just be the new Sophie Ellis-Bextor video. Makes a sort of sister companion to the boring new La Roux video.

Stuck In Our Head: "Heartbreak (Make Me A Dancer)" - Freemasons & Sophie Ellis-Bextor

We think we've mentioned this before but we'll mention it again because it's stuck in our head. It sounds exactly the way you'd imagine a Freemasons featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor single to sound. It's rather brill.

Guess what it is...

It's a snap from the new Freemasons 'feat.' Sophie Ellis-Bextor video, "Hearbreak Make Me A Dancer".

Could be quite good in a sort of Annie's "I Know UR Girlfriend Hates Me" sort of way... let's hope it doesn't chart that way too (i.e. at 52).

Kylie's Last Ditch Attempt To Squeeze Every Last Drop Of Money Out Of Her 10th Album, X

So nearly 9 months after the release of her 10th studio album (steady on there, love, that's nearly as many as Madonna) Kylie Minoiiigue (that's the Australian spelling) has released the best song off her much-maligned epitome-of-mixed-bag record. That song is, "The One."

Written and produced by the Freemasons (well we think it is, and we can't be bothered to check), the very same lovely men have created an EVEN-BETTER-THAN-THE-ORIGINAL remix (well when are their remixes NOT better than the original?) especially for the single/video package. Poor Kylie. If only she'd let "2 Hearts" be single number 2, things may have been very different for the whole "X" campaign.

If only she'd created an album of flawed but coherent post-pop urban messes, instead of an album of very-good-but-very-boring pop songs, it might have been oh-so-different. But we can't all be Her Holiness Madonna.

Can we?