RESULT!

Ages ago we wrote a long rant about how popstars like J-Lo (Beyoncé and Fergie) like to employ weirdos to act strange and edgy in their videos to give the whole thing an air of bizarrity without actually having to look unpretty themselves. The main crux of our argument was that Jennifer of the Blockz had released a video in which she herself looked conventionally pretty and glamorous but someone else was dipped head to toe in glitter. The point of this was to make it look like Jenny Lopeth was at a wild crazy freaky party without having to make her look freaky herself.

Well, Jennifer Lopez clearly reads our blog because in her new video she HERSELF is dipped head to toe in glitter. Challenge accepted, she clearly thought as she perused Shiny & New. You think I'm too dull to dip myself in glitter and I have to delegate to extras? I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU FREAKY.

Well played babe.

Stunning (and we don't mean J.Lo LOLOLOLOL)

No but seriously, Jennifer Lopez looks INCREDIBLE in this. Physically perfect, if that's possible. What has she been eating? Fresh placentas? Has she done a pact with the devil? She doesn't look a day over 30. You GO QORL, and all that.

The video itself is stunning but boring. The "Papi" dance break brings the fire momentarily, but other than that, this is a one-time-watch music video. You won't be going back to it. Unless you're having a wank, which is disgusting and makes you a bad, bad person, who will be blinded and go to hell with furry hands.

Let that be a warning to youse.

BMW! SWAROVSKI! SOME UNIDENTIFIABLE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME WE COULDN'T QUITE DISCERN!

Jennifer Lopez has made a relevant and enjoyable pop record for the first time since 2007 (in which she released the still-incredible "Do It Well"... unf, that is a great song). Yay, for Duchess Dame JHLo (the 'h' is silent). Well done indeed. It's clearly paid off as it looks like it will officially be a hit for her rescuing her from ageing diva flopdom.

There's not much to say about the video. It does the job. It frustratingly doesn't feature enough (any) of HjHlo's trademark incredible dance moves, but whatever. It doesn't hurt the eyes either. We have low expectations in life. It does, nevertheless, feature one odd touch. As Countess Marchioness Hennifer Hlop is banging on about her new generation of party people (eurgh, please don't celebrate a generation of people who consider Black Eyed Peas quality music) there is a shot of gollum's gay(er) third cousin once removed, all penetrating eyes and covered from top to toe (we imagine) in iridescent midnight-coloured glitter.

For why? What does this image mean and why is it in Hjenny from the Hblock's otherwise very pedestrian and visually unchallenging new music video? Look, here's a screencap just to prove we're not making this up.

See? We don't always exaggerate/lie. Well, we have an idea. We've seen this sort of thing before and we have a theory, if you will. It's almost definitely correct because we're always right about everything (ahem) and it goes something like this: basically, most female pop divas want to be perceived as arTy and CrAyZee and tOtaL paRtee AnimalsS (sO cReatiVe) but are reluctant to actually cover themselves in glitter (for example); so in their video, an extra is often hired to dress like a performance artist and give the entire thing a veneer of cool and 'krayzinezz' without Jennifer (or whoever) having to spend hours in makeup/risk hurting their vanity by looking unpretty. Jennifer clearly has better things to do than dip herself in glitter (she'd look amazing, her loss) so someone else does it. And someone has to do it, otherwise you have a video with absolutely no edge. A blunt video (not that sort of blunt). And who wants that? Blunt videos are for flops and bores etc.

Here are some other examples of it happening. First, Beyoncé. Bonce is a prime example of a diva keen to look 'with it' and unusual without actually having to act/dress too cray-cray herself. Her whole set of Germanotta collaborations were an attempt on her behalf to get down with the kidzzz by association (although Stefani Joanne's intentions were just as cynical as she got appeal to 'urban' fans out of the bargain). Here is someone painted silver and crawling about in a cage (a loose Grace Jones reference) in her 2007 video for single "Get Me Bodied":

You wouldn't catch Beyoncé doing that, that's for sure. Secondly (and lastly because we can't think of any other examples off the top of our head) is Fergie of the aforementioned Cack Eyed Peas. Fergie is/was a great solo artist. We enjoyed that. But she, like Beyoncé and JLo, is (or at least seems) like the kinda gurl who identifies as 'normal' and just likes 'relaxing with a dvd and a glass of wine' on her night off. She is not the kinda woman to be running through the streets wearing guns and painted in blood screaming that she's an artist. So, of course, when it comes to her videos, she wants to look sexy and pretty and glamorous in an unthreatening and 'safe' manner, and leave the necessary crazy shebang to some extra who can flail in the corner for a bit, exuding cool. Here is a woman dressed as... well... we have no idea. Some sort of pink mutant giraffe-zebra hybrid (a ziraffe? a gebra?) replete with mohawk and silver gloves:

Again: you would not catch Fergie in that. She'd much rather wear a 'cute dress' (as she does in the actually quite brilliant video).

Anyway, we're not sure what we've learnt from all this, but we wanted to bring it to your attention. So there you go/there you have it/that's your lot.

J-Lo... just...

Sometimes we like to think we're perceptive enough about music and the music industry to suggest things that might save flagging pop careers. In J-Lo's case we just... we just don't know. It's so difficult in a post-GaGa, post-Rihanna, post-Beyoncé pop landscape to envisage people like J-Lo getting by and making hits, even with deeply contrived and flimsy alter-egos like 'Lola' pandering to the current trend for 'high concept pop'.

Once upon a time you could release a sub-standard pop dirge, put on a netted tank top and flash a bit of thigh and get a hit. Not now. Well at least J-Lo's got her 'films' hasn't she? She used to be quite good at those (*looks on imdb... she has no projects lined up: despairs*).

Is it just us or is this really terrible?

Blah blah blah. Jennifer "don't call me J.Lo" Lopez is releasing a new multimedia opus this year (an album) and has decided that doing it as plain old Madame Hlopez is just not enough so APPARENTLY she is going to release it under the pseudonym/moniker/nom de plume Lola.

Crikey! Well if Beyoncé's got Sasha Fierce, Bat For Lashes has Pearl, Madonna has/had Dita, Patrick Wolf has the Conqueror/Bachelor, David Bowie's got the Thin White Duke etc., Shakira's got her inner She Wolf, Lady GaGa has Candy Warhol, Christina Aguilera has Baby Jane, Mariah Carey has Mimi, Janet Jackson has Damita Jo, Tori Amos has Isabel, Clyde, Pip and Santa, Ciara has Super C, Dannii Minogue has Kylie Minogue, and each of the Sugababes has a prettier and thinner double waiting in the wings, THEN JAY-LOH HAS TO HAVE AN ALTER EGO TOO GODDAMNIT.

Quite why she's bothered, as the above song is borderline abysmal, we have no idea, but all shall be revealed in time (we think). In case you were wondering, the unhot mess is called "Fresh Out The Oven" or something and features our favourite person this side of Jesus, Pitbull. Nice. Anyway, untangle the mess of meaning above and indulge Jennifer's ego by having a gander here. Don't you love it when artist's record label's take the time to create a back story to go with the music?

Bless J.Lo

Sometimes when people ask us if we have any guilty pleasures we reply that we don't believe in guilty pleasures, only pleasures but this is a LIE.

If ever there were a guilty pleasure it would be J.Lo singles. We love them. We heart them. We couldn't live without them. Every single person who writes for this blog has a few J.Lo songs that they just BUM. They're not all the same J.Lo singles, but between us we probably love them ALL.

Anyway... we're not going to cast aspersions about J.Lo as a person because she may be a Diva but that's a commendable thing in our books so W/E.

Above is her starring in a Vanity Fair shoot where they recreated some famous scenes from West Side Story (WHICH IS FUCKING AMAZING). The shoot is quite good and they've got all these random young Hollyhood gals in to stand around, including Camilla Belle as Maria who resembles Natalie Wood quite a lot but also as if the lights are off and no one ever lived there in the first place.

J.Lo is portraying Anita. *Mildly amaze*. You can check some other shots out at Dlisted. We can't even find the pics on the Vanity Fair website.

Stuck In Our Head: "All I Have" - Jennifer Lopez

WE DON'T LIKE JENNIFER LOPEZ. HONESTLY.
We are desperately trying to suppress our love for her greatest hits collection, but so far it's really hard :(

Maybe we should just give in... I mean... she is a fabulous Goddess of Hispania in possession of wide, cholita-bearing hips, who is universally hated by maids, maitre'ds' and servants the world around, one of those true rags-to-riches-but-denied-ever-was-poor-apart-from-the-odd-expoitation-of-it-by-changing-it-into-a-number-one-hit cases.

But there's just something about her that can't help but make me dislike the girl.
Anyway, her forthcoming The Singles Collection should be illegally downloaded by all who like cock and own one, but don't buy one cos she has enough money. Here's my fave. Reminds me of walking home in the slushy snow pretending I was J. Lo and my school bag was Vuitton.

P.S. OMG BITCH DOESN'T EVEN LET YOU EMBED HER VIDEOS. SHE IS SO FIERCE!