Perezcious

The four riders are on their way, a reopened Hellmouth is spouting demons far and wide, the Grim Reaper is out skewering babies on his rusting scythe, the obese are exploding and the planet's resurrected dead are harvesting the brains of the living innocent: Perez Hilton is starting a record label. Having scant information on this horrific, world/collective human taste/decency-endangering development and an even smaller amount of motivation to find more, that's all I can really state in cold, hard and terrifyingly factual terms presently. But if that's not blood chilling enough, I can venture into some wild and totally unrealistic speculation as to what this crime against civilisation's vast archives of sophisticated and innovative musical composition,composers and musicians, could hold:

• He signs terrible people; or worse, he signs good people.
• He engineers any visual representation of artists to accommodate self-congratulatory cameos of himself and his various products ad nauseum (sp?).
• His blog improves.
• His blog worsens (if that's possible) and bloats/expires from even more shameless self promotion.
• He ropes in various celeb mates to feature on tracks, and subsequently tarnishes/ terminates their careers.
• Or he could just use the above to jump start his own career in music and to ravage the collective ear of humanity. (His offering of "The Clap" for Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild is proof of how potently bad, and cranially destructive, a music + Perez combo can be.)
• And, most terrifying of all, it could be the beginning of an illustrious, lengthy and wildly successful pop career, enriched with musical variety and complexity, and ardently supported by all his famous contacts.

But you never know. Perhaps he will make some wise or tasteful choices and afford himself some much needed time out of the public eye. Considering his championing of various talented, and previously obscure, artists he could discover and foster some potentially exciting new musicians. However, it seems that increasingly in Hollywood, just like the T-shirts, denim lines, perfumes and handbags, record labels are becoming the new opinions/colonically irrigated, fastidiously bleached arseholes: everyone's got one. Will he have the quality to overcome the vast quantities of other upstart (possibly mediocre) labels?

(And there was a article in The Guardian that handled this a lot more coherently and comprehensively than I have. Link.)

OH MY CHRIST

This, my peoples, is the 'music video' for Perez Hilton's beyond-abysmal song The Clap from that gay movie. Yes, it's about gonorrhoea.

To be honest. The music video is worse than we ever could have imagined. Just to give you an idea of how bad it is, we couldn't even make it all the way through and WE DO THIS PROFESSIONALLY (well we don't really... but shh!).

Once you get past the unNECessarily long introduction (is that Mika?!) it gets really really fucking awful. Perez should be banned from dancing, engaging in movement that might be construed as dancing or even thinking the word 'dance' in his pink, glittery, rotten carcass of a head.

No, no we know. It's not really fair to make fun of people who can't dance, especially if they're just doing it for LOLs, but there's something about Perez Hilton. The way that smug smile suggests he really thinks he's actually very good and creating something worthy of documentation by the media. Well Perez. You succeeded. This media is documenting. DOCUMENTING THE SHITFEST THAT IS.

Poor Anastacia

Not everyone at this blog likes Anastacia. In fact, some people here dislike her quite a lot. But others (namely moiself) have a really odd love for not just her, but her music too.

When we say her 'music' we mean her third album, the self-titled Anastacia, which, despite some awful lyrics, is actually a strangely brilliant pop/rock/soul (sprock) album.

Anyway... even before her oddly amazing 3rd album she was selling millions of albums worldwide. Never a hit in America (they have no taste, obviously) she has sold over 25 million albums to date and had number 1 hits all over the place.

In fact, her previously mentioned, third, eponymous album was a number 1 album in Australia, Austria, Belgium, Denmark, The Netherlands, Germany, Norway, Sweden, Switzerland and the UK.

I don't know whether you're aware of this but she had a single and album out this year.

The album peaked at 17 and the single at 67.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

We don't know.

Sad. SAD. (Take note Perez Hilton, this is the correct use of the expression).

We Need To Talk About Perez

As anyone who knows anything about Popular Culture will know... Perez Hilton is probably the most famous blogger in the world. Effeminate, gay, fat, Hispanic and prone to giggling, Hilton is an unlikely candidate for blogger superstardom, especially in America, but for one reason or another he has achieved this goal anyway.

For a while it seemed like Perez was deserving of his sudden fame, his blog was the go-to site for instant gossip, but also a place to check out new bands, get the latest breaking news and find out about things close to Perez's heart, like gay rights. The genuine humour of Perez's now infamous "drawings" (penises, cum driplets, coke powder, the lot) made up for the oddly average and humour-free writings.

Anyway... hate-it-or-love-it, perezhilton.com seemed to be THE place to go to find out what was happening in the world of showbiz NOW, and as much as it appeared to be the guiltiest of pleasures, its shallowness seemed to be somewhat redeemable. Or, at least, you could sort of defend its purpose and value to your friends using some vague allusions to the inevitability of popculture and its subsequently knowingly shallow and ironic documentation.

Of late, however, the webshite seems to have slid down into the hellish pits of self-absorption. The site is no longer a chronicle of hot gossip, it has become a tired and formulaic vehicle for Perez's own ego. Having had to endure Perez: the website for years, we have now have Perez: the podcast, Perez: the vlog artist, Perez: the book and even Perez: the spastic dancer, to get our heads round now.

The website doesn't even seem to be written by the man himself anymore. Gone are his random spurts of love or hatred for certain celebrities. In their place has grown an odd ficklness which would suggest darker forces were at work (are you accepting money to write nice things about people, Mr. P?). All in all, the website is not developing in new and interesting ways, and such is its frivolity that the crass evolutions it has undergone have served to irritate the reader, instead of sustain interest.

This is why, of late, we here at Shiny & New have turned to dlisted.com instead. We've known about it for yonks, but it's suddenly proven the perfect antithesis to Perez. Written in a deeply scathing and witty style by a mysterious and dirty-mouthed one Michael K, the blog offers up genuinely funny musings on pop culture, without any of the megalomaniac bullshit, corporate rebranding or ridiculous typoes.

The end.

(Of course... neither sites even big to compare to the infinite amazingness of this blog. DON'T STOP READING. TELL YOUR GRANDMOTHER ABOUT US, AND TO TELL HER FRIENDS ABOUT US. Thank you. - Ed)