This is a good single cover, no matter how we feel about the song (and we don't know cuz we don't remember how it goes)...

Literal Interpretation.

Seems that Ciara has taken the first word of her new album, Basic, and applied it literally to her album art. We're not sure how we feel about this whole 'returning-to-ones-roots-because-progression-didn't-work' thing. Has it ever worked? No idea.

New Seeairah...

Ciara is a hard worker. She genuinely works hard at what she does - she's a phenomenal dancer with impressive command of the stage and audience. She's a beautiful woman and her voice is not bad by any stretch. She just ain't very successful.

Don't misunderstand us. She's had her hits. They've just been fewer and further between than they should have been, if they reflected the effort she puts into her job. She works with fantastic, talented producers (Darkchild, The-Dream, Ne-Yo, Polow da Don and Danja to name just a few), she has the looks and she has the voice but something is still missing. She's just not that... good? She's actually quite standard. And this isn't something we revel in - it genuinely disappoints us to see an exceptionally hard-working pop star not achieving the success they are perhaps due. We would love to conduct a deeper study into what exactly is blocking Ciara reaching the stratospheric heights she should be floating around at, yet we can't help but think she just might not be destined for greatness.

It's a shame really. We've been rooting for an internationally successful (and 100% authentic in case Gerry "I've Got a Willy!" Germanotta is reading this) hermaphrodite pop star for years now.

I can do anything...

Ciara. Some would say 'try hard'. We would say 'amazing talent, deserves more success'. We caught her at Heaven about a year ago presenting a fabulous showcase of her Fantasy Ride album - shame it fell flat on it's big, over-ambitious face. "Ride" is a return to the bare bones, immediate sound of her earlier material, the kind of song which doesn't really have to make much effort to get your derrière rotating. The video echoes this simplicity - the dancing is Janet Jackson in 2010, sensual and kinetic.

Enjoy.

A 'fierce' Ciara & Missy video...

We really hate unnecessary and unwarranted use of the word 'fierce'... but it was basically invented for things like this.

COVERART WARZZZZ! Part #4

It's anodyne R&B Divas Edition!!!!!



Hotness:
Keri Hilson: 5/10 (gorgeous lady in awkward position)
Ciara: 3/10 (beautiful woman looks shiny)

CGI Backdrop:
Keri Hilson: 6/10 (violet fantasy sunrise)
Ciara: 2/10 (cheap purple Gotham)

LOGO:
Keri Hilson: 4/10 (unmemorable but shit)
Ciara: 4/10 (memorable but shit)

Photoshop Skillzzzzzzz:
Keri Hilson: 7/10 (irridescent indigo mess)
Ciara: 1/10 (crayons in Paint)

And the winner is...
Keri Hilson... but only by virtue of being the lesser of two evils. TRY HARDER LADIES.

Honey, I Shrunk The Ciara!

Ciara is making a video. Ciara's new single, like the current Saturdays' single, is called "Work" and features a one Missy Elliott. It looks potentially interesting doesn't it? You can watch a sneak preview here. We believe the dictionary definition is 'fierce'.

Oh. Madonna. No. Yes. No. YES. NO.

Twas the Metropolitan Museum of Art's annual Costume Gala thingy last night... and here are some of the 'outfits' that were on display:

You know what? This isn't even THAT bad? The dress on its own would have been really, really, really cute and Madonna CLEARLY has the hot physique to carry it off where someone like Beyoncé might look like a babychild prostitute heffalump in it. The problem, clearly, is the horrendous (read: fabulous) set of accessories. Whilst the 80s scrunchie and fingerless gloves might have seemed like a hawt idea in a kind of 'I-invented-this-look-and-I-can-still-carry-it-off' sort of way... she actually can't carry it off anymore. Or rather, NO ONE CAN. As for the boots... they're kinda really sexy and we think they might work with the dress if she weren't wearing a turquoise taffeta pair of rabbit ears on her head and some hobo glovettes. But, y'know what?! Madonna wasn't even the worst dressed there by a LONG way.

Which brings us to the Olsenette twinzies.

Clearly they decided on a joint theme of 'A Christmas Carol' and both turned up as ghosts: Ashley arrived as the ghost of fashion crimes present, and Mary-Kate arrived as the ghost of fashion crimes PAST. Wanna know who came as the ghost of fashion crimes future?

Is this supposed to be some sort of futuristic body contouring optical illusion trickery shit, Ciara? Or did you just pick a HORRIBLE dress? Choose your answer wisely, CeeCee, you will be judged on it.

From then on in, things just get worse. See this horrific quartet of beige carps?

Have they fallen out with Madonna (and Gwyneth Paltrow)? Cuz those bitches used to hang together all the time. They're partially responsible for the BORIFICATION of Madge (it's in the Bible, the Book of Ciccone, Chapter 4, Verse 1 or Like A Virgin). Madonna was all hot to trot and the cutting edge of fashion and then she ended up hanging with these overcooked, bland, Primrose Hill yummy mummies and before you knew it she was married to Guy Ritchie, writing children's books and giving boring David Letterman interviews!

Also notice how any group of 4 women can have the Mean Girl/Heather personalities attached to them. Stella McCartney is Regina George/Heather Chandler. The ringleader. The Queen Bee. She rules these vegan yuppies with a iron (animal friendly) claw. Liv Tyler is the brunette so she plays second in command: the Gretch Weiners/Heather Duke. You can tell she resents Stella McCartney for turning up and having to share joint centre of the photo with her. Bitch will cut. Kate Hudson rounds off the holy 3 as the Karen Smith/Heather McNamara of the group. Dim, blonde, ditzy, probably the hottest one there. I can totally imagine Kate Hudson thinking she had the power to read the weather with her tits. Last and most definitely least is Kate Bosworth who is the Cady Heron/Veronica Sawyer of the group: i.e. she's the newest member. We haven't seen her hanging around this group before so she must be a new convert now that they've kicked Madonna and Gwyneth out (that lesbian and the gay from Mean Girls or Martha Dumptruck in Heathers).

ANYGAY... on to the rest of the 'costumes'. The hottest bitches there were without a doubt Rachel Weisz and Anne Hathaway. We mean... DAMN. Anne Hathaway is looking more and more like Jackie O every single time she steps out in public. Jackie O crossed with a 70s porn actress. And Rachel Weisz is rocking some horrible purple lipstick with her pink gown. Rachel Weisz could step out in a tin of baked beans and we'd still be singing her praises. She is HOT. At the Oscars a couples of years ago she was literally the ONLY well-dressed person. And we're not making that up, The Guardian agreed.

As for the rest of the costumes they are fairly snoozeworthy. Kate Moss wore gold. She continues to resemble a very strange man in a dress. Liz Hurley tried and failed to steal the show in a big pink number. Rihanna wore a strange suit thing with clumpy trousers. Victoria Beckham came in a silly polkadot showgirl sort of dress. And Marion Cotillard looked hot but forgettable. The 'I-got-dressed-drunk' award HAS to go to Kirsten Dunst WHO WE LOVE. It nearly went to Winona Ryder, who we also love, but Kirsten really trumped her this year when she wore this:

It's just a pity Lady GaGa wasn't there to outdo them ALL.

First impressions of the new Ciara album...

It is basically a very listenable but overproduced MESS. It is, however, more memorable than the Keri Hilson album/debacle.

There's a lyric on the amazing/terrible "Like A Surgeon" that goes: "My love's like anaesthesia".

What? It puts one into a deep, numb sleep? Christ!

Overall, in a post-GaGa pop landscape it's quite hard to fall for someone quite so anodyne. We are sure Ciara is a LOVELY LOVELY girl but she's hardly brimming with 'outrageous' personality. Her voice is far from distinctive (and often annoying) and the tracks seem to all melt together to form one enormously long uptempo slow jam. You find yourself paying more attention to the backing track than the actual vocals, which is NOT a good thing at all.

It's not 'bad', but it's not particularly 'good' either.

We're not even joking...

There is a song on Ciara's new album called "Like a Surgeon". It actually (believe it or not) sounds rather good. You can hear a clip here.

And, no, it sounds NOTHING like "Like a Virgin".

It's a pity this will probably NEVER see the light of day PROPERLY

This is probably the best video of Ciara's career. It was directed by Melina Matsoukas who has done videos for Lady GaGa, Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, Leona Lewis, Katy Perry, Keri Hilson, Britney Spears, Lily Allen, Kylie Minogue, Ashanti, Solange, Eve and er... Snoop Dogg.

Wikipedia her. It's very exciting.

She's an extremely talented video director and the above clip is sexy, captivating, edgy, unique and unbelievably cool (the best bit is when Ciara's motorbike farts fire or her strange dancing or... just the WHOLE THING).

The reason why this will never see the day is because it was supposed to be the lead single from Ciara's new album, Fantasy Ride, but it flopped in America (no, it REALLY flopped) charting at a paltry No. 78. Therefore it'll probably never be released anywhere else.

It's a sad waste.

We were wrong...

Recently we told you that this was the cover artwork for Ciara's 3rd studio album, Fantasy Ride.

We (or rather Wikipedia) lied.

The cover artwork is in fact, this:

Or, this, if you want a few (most probably forgettable) throwaway bonus tracks:

We have no idea what to say... It's sort of so horrendously terrible, tacky and cheap that we quite like it. It's sort of so camply, ghetto-fabulously terrible that it's almost amazing.

We're sure that next week someone will have uploaded yet another new (fake) cover for her album or maybe not. We can't even be bothered to check if this is real.

Apparently, Fantasy Ride introduces Ciara's superhero alter-ego 'Super C'. Jesus. Everyone's doing alter egos... Beyoncé, Bat For Lashes, Patrick Wolf, Ciara... who next? Ashley Tisdale?

We're sort of looking forward to this album in the way that we look forward to other completely anodyne R&B albums, derivative and contrived pop/rock opuses and the like... we hope it's got some redeemable features.

Someone clearly went overboard with the soft focus tool on Photoshop

This is the album artwork for Ciara's upcoming 'effort': Fantasy Ride.

We were going to do a thing about how the first two singles from this album completely flopped in America (charting at 78 and 72, respectively) and we were going to accompany this with the videos for these first two flops and try and ask the question: where did it all go wrong for Ciara?

But then we couldn't be bothered.

Um...

If you were Jessica Biel and your famously horny boyfriend had just appeared in a video with Ciara, licking her face and having his face licked by her... wouldn't you be a bit annoyed?

We know part of a popstar's job is to make it look like they care about the people they are grinding on in music videos, when in fact they are just some random model/actor/dancer that they couldn't give a fig about, but, is it just us or does it feel like those two actual popstars actually got it on?!

We hate to slip into cliché but, their chemistry is strangely electric!

In related Ciara news... this is the video she's currently peddling with Enrique Iglesias. It's completely forgettable Synth 'n' B and so obviously going to do mildly well in the charts.

Is it really wise in these times of economic doom and gloom to be making a pointless video where one smashes lots of expensive things? It's a bit sort of rubbing it in everyone else's faces...

"Oooh look how rich we are... even in credit crunch times we can completely wreck an expensive set full of expensive props for no reason at all! Oooh aren't we rich."

What's also funny is that for live promotional appearances, Enrique has been singing this with Gabriella fucking Cilme instead of Ciara! Sort of a bit like when Kardinal Offishall performed Numba 1 (Tide Is High) in the Nottingham University canteen and they roped in her off of N-Dubz because Keri Hilson was obviously too busy.

That's even weirder because Keri Hilson was only filling in video duties because Rihanna, who was on the album version, clearly couldn't make the video shoot.

It gets more convoluted, viewers, because the demo version features Nicole Hotdogwiener, who was obviously too busy jumping on the Slumdog bandwagon to attend the album recording session.

See! 'Pop' is anything but simple.