Shiny & New Turns 2: #19 "Freak Like Me" - Sugababes

"Boy you're moving kinda slow / You gotta keep up now / There you go / That's just something that a man must do"

Aside from “Freak Like Me” being quite clearly one of the finest pop songs ever to be laid down, it actually isn’t a Sugababes song whatsoever. The positively filthy lyrics are taken from Adina Howard’s original “Freak Like Me”, while the spine-shiver-inducing backing track is lifted from Gary Numan’s “Are Friends Electric?”. The only remotely Sugababes thing about it is the voices which give life to the lyrics. These points forgotten, the melding of the lyrics and music paired with the husky voices of three council estate tarts creates a completely mainstream pop song which manages to sound entirely underground and hypnotic in a nightclub environment. The bass is mesmerising, the chorus elates and the sound is devastatingly fresh today, nine years after its release.

I first heard this song when I was 11 years old and remember driving my sister up the wall refusing to listen to any other track on Angels with Dirty Faces (an excellent pop album) – nine years later, it holds new resonance as a symbol of the seemingly omnipresent throwaway quality of the Sugababes. Already onto their second line up, this song, in my opinion their finest ever, is made from two components from two very un-Sugababes tracks, mashed up by a separate producer. Nine years later, only one member of the “Freak Like Me” line up remains, herself not even an original member. They were, are and always will be record label constructs and mannequins, but I have to thank for them for helping provide a genuine 21st century pop classic. I miss Mutya.

Sugababes looking and acting like popstars...

We know (to borrow a phrase from Mel C) that it will 'never be the same again', but the girls look kinda hot and they're bringing the attitude. So we can't really complain.

Well it's an improvement, isn't it?

Before you go slating the big, sweaty, hot mess above, please take time to remember that no matter how dodgy the airbrushing above (look at their feet... photoshop disasters better be on this shit, and quick!) and no matter how awkward the posing. And no matter how jaundiced the burnt ochre colour scheme... at least it's not THIS:

A startling Sugababes video...

Startling, because of the many close ups of the stunt doubles' faces. Who are these strange and unfamiliar girls.

The Stuntababes?

We understand there were complications involving the sacking of Keisha and the whole 'stuntababes' thing was a necessary evil, but they didn't have to show their faces so blatantly! They could have just shown them from behind or with their faces hidden etc. and let everyone's imagination do the rest of the work! LET YOUR IMAGINATION TAKE HOLD. THE POWER OF SUGGESTION IS A POWERFUL THING. SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF. 'Etc.' Anyway here's the artwork: shiny in the photoshopic sense of the word, isn't it?

Top Ten of the Week: Sugababes (RIP) Songs

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Obligatory Sugababes Post

Everyone (including us) seems to be getting their knickers in a twist about the new line up. And, as sad as it is to see the final original member get the boot in favour of a sleeker, thinner, glossier, younger member (as some would say both Siobhan and Mutya were)... they do look like very amazing popstars, don't they?

A pop music travesty.

It still hasn't sunk in yet. We don't even like Keisha!

RIP 1998-2009

In the grand tradition of bitchy music fans arguing over the pros and cons of Girls Aloud and the Sugababes, arguably the two most successful and relevant girl bands of new millenium, we've always ended up siding with Girls Aloud at the end of the day - however, we have always held a soft spot for the Sugaz. From our first memories of listening to "Overload" going down the motorway with our windows down on a summery Sunday afternoon back at the ripe young age of nine to our recent rants of how utterly crap "Get Sexy" is (we actually quite like it not that we'd ever admit it), many memories o' ours are tied to the Babes. So it is with a (moderately) heavy heart that we learn the news of the final original member's departure.

As many have already said, while it is admirable of the latest incarnation (Jade Ewen is the sixth Sugababe if you weren't already aware) to continue, it would be verging on embarrassing for them to perform under the Sugababes name. Yes, some may argue the true Sugababes ended in 2001 with Siobhan's swift flight, but with the final original member gone, no member of the present line up really holds any right to the name. Even poor Heidi Range, who has been in the band for more than most of it's existence, cannot call herself a Sugababe with Keisha's departure, which yes is a shame and unfair, but that's it now. The Sugababes are over.

Good luck Amelle, Jade and especially Heidi, who we do hold affection for. But girls, your days are numbered.

How do you feel about this?

Because, in all honesty, we can't muster an opinion.

Get Uncomfortable

So music appreciation is essentially just a matter of personal tastes and that, but does anyone else find watching this distinctly uncomfortable? Sort of like when you see someone unpick a thong wedgie... or something. Or a parent in little/no clothing, or people riding on dolphins: it just shouldn't happen? Yes, the song is upbeat and standing around couldn't really convey the palpable sexiness the Sugababes apparently provoke in mankind, but choreographed dance has never been the outstanding or remarkable feature for them as a girlband throughout their many lineups. If it didn't work then, it sure as hell won't work now. Is that proverb about things that aren't broke/don't need fixing appropriate here? I dunno.

"Get Sexy": A Revised Perspective.

We're not sure if you've ever noticed, but trends do not come and go any quicker than in the world of cheap High Street jewellery. One month it'll be all about necklaces with cherries. The next it's all about owl brooches. Where these trends come from and why they change with such alarming regularity, we have no idea. But that's the way it works. A couple of years ago, it was in fashion to wear necklaces with keys on the end. This was directly inspired by Gwen Stefani's second album campaign, and for a month or so they were ubiquitous. Then, without notice, they were gone, and replaced with ladybird pendants, or squirrel hairclips or something. This single is the equivalent of a ladybird pendant. It is so ridiculously rooted in the now, that for the moment it can't help but engage your pop-angled senses. But in a figurative month from now, when it's all about metaphorical chain-mail mini-bibs, this is going to sound more dated than an out-of-date packet of over-ripe dates.

Of course, we were of this opinion right from the start, but we were momentarily blinded by the excitement of seeing 'the' Sugababes return to waters of a more 'pop' sensibility. We now see the errors of our way.

There's a lot of photoshop going on here...

But it's a lot better than some of the dreary single artwork we've put up with in recent years.

Your Career (In Artwork): Girl Groups

We appear to be having girl group fever at the moment... well, we're not. It's just a coincidence. We promise. I guess maybe you can see this artwork-orientated post as being in honour of the fact that Sky1 are showing the Girls Aloud tour in glittering HD or something. Anyway, let's get on with the postulating, shall we?

Let's start with Destiny's Child... 3 line-ups, countless hits, and some pretty unexceptional artwork. We suppose the covers for Survivor and Destiny Fulfilled are borderline iconic, but they don't immediately catch the eye. It could be worse, but the bland colouring, horrendous styling, and lack of a powerhouse logo leave the whole thing tasting distinctly of 'meh'. Disappointing when you consider how fantastic and varied the Child's back catalogue is.

On we move to Girls Aloud, who, until their recent break were our favourite working girlband working today in the working industry. Their music is some of the oddest, most experimental and progressive in the history of girl group music... songs with about 7 different choruses, all so catchy there's basically no verse, minute long introductions, impromptu tempo halvings, cheerleader chants for bridges, choral intros and samples, and a marriage to a production house so intent on throwing (as Alexis Petridis so wisely put it) "wildly disparate musical styles" together that you literally never know what you're going to get. Ibiza house? Clumsy guitar-driven funk? Cheesey euro pop? All mixed together?! Anyway, this would suggest some truly great artwork to go with some truly great music. But, no. Girls Aloud's artwork hints at something a hell of a lot cheesier and cheaper than the truth. It's never quite been right, even during the Tangled Up era, which produced some beautiful single artwork. The covers are certainly memorable, though, just perhaps not for the right reasons.

Onto the Spice Girls, the most ubiquitous and successful girl group ever. Unlike Girls Aloud, the Girls of Spice's music has never held pretensions of critical acclaim, but has instead been content to ride a glorious wave of unbeatably brilliant commercial pop. And considering this, it befits us to declare their artwork satisfyingly consistent, fantastically suited to their style of music and spectacularly iconic, considering its simplicity. Fabby.

Sugababes back catalogue contains some consistently spectacular pop, with the odd dud, so you'd expect their artwork to follow a similar patter, and you'd be right. There's something incredibly satisfying about seeing the following six album covers all lined up and next to each other. The bold print 'SUGABABES' grabs you immediately, and for the most part, the photography and styling seems effortless and cool. Off-kilter, memorable and cohesive, it ties their varied musical forays and multiple line-ups together perfectly.

Last, but not least we come to TLC. We'd be lying if we said we knew a lot about TLC's music, because we don't, but we'are aware that it's often wacky, soulful, inventive, colourful and alternately menacholic and perky, just like their dated but still fabulous artwork. Brillo pads.

And that's your lot.

A varied Sugababes video...

We could write several conflicted essays (we already sort of have) about whether this new sleek, sexed-up incarnation of the Sugababes is a good thing or not. There are enough contrivances here to fill a dissertation and maybe part of a thesis (on second thoughts: no) so we'll just keep this short and concise:

• Amelle in a birdcage.
• Amelle in a birdcage.
• Emo Paramore-style grafitti?
• Amelle in a birdcage <3.

WTF!?1!?!!11 get sexee

And so the new Sugababes single, "Get Sexy" has leaked/premiered/has been born unto this world. Now we like the Sugababes. We appreciate their commercial success, and have fondness for many of their tracks. We even have warm memories of listening to Angels With Dirty Faces on pirate copy CD back when pirate copy CDs were relevant. We appreciate the girls' desire to try something different, which we recommended after the utter drivel of Catfights and Spotshites as we have come to know their 2008 opus as at Chateau de S&N.
Try again.

The girls picked producers who are 'hot' at the minute. Natural choice. The song is made up of elements from songs which are 'hot' at the minute. Natural... but not very good. The song was bred, brewed and brought up to be a number one hit from its point of conception but that doesn't mean it's a good song. It's actually awful. It's as if the girls just sat down and took a look at the current Billboard chart in America.

Keisha: SO GURLZ, LYK WT DO AMERICANS LYK? TWEET ME BK TY XXX
Amelle: Brap brap.
Heidi: *incoherent Scouse babble, too foggy to translate even to cyberspace*

Its backing track is unmistakably directly lifted from "Boom Boom Pow", with the chorus synths actually a direct copy of the breakdown following Fergie's inspirational "People in the place" speech. The lyrics were clearly written by the girls while attending a night class at Lil' Wayne's Academy for Songwriting. Our heads have reached their cringe capacity for the day (we just listened to the song twice in a row) so we can't even re-print some of the diabolical classics.

What are the girls playing at? Are they really and truly trying to finally crack America? Well they won't, unfortunately, and this effort will only embarrass them further. Expect to hear this on the dancefloors of "Liquid and Envy"s up and down the country very very soon. Expect to hear this in our iTunes never.

(We'd just like to point out that the writer of this 'ere article very quickly did an about-face and decided that in spite of the horrendous lyrics and derivative sound, "Get Sexy" was indeed a 'club' 'banger'. We don't think it's in his iTunes, even now, but still... we can all learn something about the redemptive power of song - Ed)

Incoherent babblings RE new Sugababes' song...

Las Sugababes get a lot of flack, and we’re not entirely sure why. They’ve been consistently responsible for some of the most stonkingly good pop over the past decade or so, giving us at least 10 or more solid pop classics, and have survived more line-up changes than any other girl band, except maybe The Pipettes, but they’re in a league of their own. We once read an article that probably came the closest to explaining why the Babes of Suga are so derided by music fans and critics but we can’t remember where it was so we’ll just give you the gist. This article basically said that for the last 3 Sugababes albums or so, they haven’t been pop innovators, they’ve lagged behind, something the flawed but decent Catfights and Spotlights seemed to seal more than anything else.

Nevertheless, they’re still a cut above the rest, and their new single, “Get Sexy”, continues to prove it. Yes it’s not a completely unique sound, yes there’s some contrivance to be found in a British girl-group flaunting something so flagrantly expensive and trendy and American, but this is pop. The criticisms that seem to be levelled at the Sugababes don’t seem to be aimed at their girl group contemporaries. The ‘babes are complicated because they’ve had so many line-up changes, performed so many different styles of pop, and held such different roles in the public’s heart, from moody teen rebels to British pop queens to mumsy Cosmo-style safe-popstrels… but when a song like this comes along, a big pop stomper with supremely silly lyrics and giddily expensive production, we feel that as pop fans, you just have to skim over the contrivances, as you do with almost all other pop, and enjoy.

The Sugababes Want You To Believe The Unbelievable.

That's right... they want you to believe that they are somehow in a position to turn down large numbers of naked, muscled young men in pants... why would they do this? They are obviously trying to distract everyone from the fact that the song is completely forgettable, completely listenable and completely fails to change the world in any way whatsoever, either positively or negatively.

It's rather funny to think that last album round, the 'Babes were attempting to throw away their chavvy, moody former image and replace it with something far less raunchy or interesting... they even tried doing a video about putting on designer dresses in an attempt to be taken seriously as grownup individuals.

This album round they have resorted to pulling cheap tricks like Amelle rubbing up lesbotically against another girl in the 'Girls' video and this: a video full of naked young men doing some bizarre amateur drama school challenge where they have to create a car out of bodies and then BECOME the very essence of the car.

Completely pointless.

Chart prediction 101: #17

If they're lucky, that is, and Britain's feeling particularly horny that week.

This is news...

Amidst P!nk-in-amazing-new-album frenzy and Girls-Aloud-in-probably-amazing-new-album-despite-shocking-cover news... Shiny & New have been giving the new Sugababes album, Catshites and Dogshites, a few spins.

IT IS OK.

The production levels are impressive, even if completely derivative, and the songs are certainly completely listenable in a way that Cannibal Corpse or 'Bring Me The Horizon' will NEVER be, BUT... there's just the slight whiff of sheer desperadoes about the whole affair.

Also, when you get lyrics like 'trying to get into my knickers/this shit is getting ridiculous' (we know...) it really makes you appreciate the cornucopia of amazing lyrics on offer in both P!nk's latest offering and Girls Aloud's entire back catalogue. Also it takes the pressure off-of Madonna as having the worst lyric of the year, usurping 'see my booty get down' and completely eclipsing its terribleness.

Well done the Saturdays...

You have got the second best girl band album cover of the year so far...

The hierarchy goes like this at the moment:

1) Monrose - amazing

2) The Saturdays - quite good

3) Danity Kane - alright

4) Pussyflap Trolls - underwhelming

5) Sugababes - atrocious

GIRLS ALOUD... the ball is in your court.

(And yes we know it's all gone a bit GIRL BAND KERAZY here at Shiny & New recently but we don't care).

IS THIS THE WORST ALBUM COVER OF ALL TIME?

ANSWER: YES.