The Apussylypse...

The Pussyflap Trolls (copyright now and forever) have kissed each other goodbye, or rather been rent asunder by the evil, conniving pussy-claws of Nicole Shirtywieners. According to Dlisted (via Page Six) that 'intimidating one' and her four glorified backing dancers have called it quits: something to do with the fact that almost every single note sung on their entire back catalogue was recorded by Ms. Baroness Nicole.

Anyway, none of us here at Shiny & New really give a toss (the Pussyflaps were never our bag)... we do, however feel slightly sorry for the other girls, you know, the ones who aren't Nicole. Melody always seemed like she deserved to at least share the spotlight with her oppressor, and even if you couldn't pick the rest out of a line-up, we're sure that given a few lines here and there, they could have impressed themselves on a listening audience.

All that's left to say is whatever Nicole chooses to do next is going to be both horrendous and scintillating to watch. Desperation = it's fun.

A truly bizarre 'PVC' (sorry, PCD) video

As if Nicole Shirtlifter's steamy bath-themed introduction weren't enough to make you vom up, there's a Perez Hilton cameo in this video. He wears a 'slogan tee'. He jiggles, awkwardly. It's BIZARRE.

But it don't stop there. After the steam-vom ballad intro, it all kicks into camp disco and ends with Miss Shirtlifter (her, again) doing a Diana Ross impression and singing "I Will Survive" complete with violin chorus. Obviously she sings THE WHOLE SONG.

But, gentle readers, IT DOESN'T EVEN STOP THERE. Right after Nicole exits herself from her deeply unsexy bathtime and bursts into the next room in a silver hoody there is a SURREALIST DANCE SCENE RECALLING A PAINTING BY ESCHER.

Yeah. It's like, beyond comprehension.

Oh my GOD.

Aside from the fact that this contains some of the most ridiculously overt product placement of all TIME, we find the whole thing rather embarrassing.

It's got to the point where the 'Nicole-sings-everything' thing has been going on for so long that everyone has just given up even caring. Melody looks like she just doesn't give a shit anymore.

And finally... such a ridonkilous case of JUMPING ON THE BANDWAGON is er... silly and annoying.

Argh.

We've completely lost our eloquence. Shit! (Bitches don't even think about commenting saying we were never eloquent in the first place! S'LIES!)

Update: We had to go with this myspace video because both dailymotion and youtube are gay and won't let us embed or even watch the video. On this one you have to skip through a stupid Powerpoint thingy at the start but the video is so ridiculous it's worth it.

The answer we are looking for today is...

...why the new Pussycat Dolls song (a collaboration with esteemed composer and musician A. R. Rahman) is billed as "Jai Ho" by A. R. Rahman & the Pussycat Dolls featuring Nicole Schwarzenggerweinertinaturner? Surely if we were to hold this rule, all Pussycat Dolls songs would be Pussycat Dolls featuring Nicole Farhiwarhiwarholwonderfulschwarzkopf? IT BASICALLY IS NICOLE WITH SOME BACK UP DANCERS AND OCCASIONALLY FEATURING THE ONE WHO GOT A BIT TOO HAPPY WITH THE ST TROPEZ WHO SOMETIMES GETS A "BAAAAAAAAAAABEEEEEEEEEEEEE" IN ON EVERY FUCKING SINGLE.

We prefer the "Jai Ho" minus Nicole & back up dancers in all honesty.

Well done the Saturdays...

You have got the second best girl band album cover of the year so far...

The hierarchy goes like this at the moment:

1) Monrose - amazing

2) The Saturdays - quite good

3) Danity Kane - alright

4) Pussyflap Trolls - underwhelming

5) Sugababes - atrocious

GIRLS ALOUD... the ball is in your court.

(And yes we know it's all gone a bit GIRL BAND KERAZY here at Shiny & New recently but we don't care).

ALERT! ALERT! Pussyflap Trolls Album Review!

The new PCD album is AWFUL. Well... let us elaborate. There are tracks on their new album, Doll Domination, that are so amazing it is hard to comprehend. They are the kind of songs Monrose, Danity Kane and the Saturdays would probably kill for. The kind of songs that would actually suit the Sugababes a lot more than their current slew of 'tripe'. The kind of songs that sort of rend Girls Aloud's relentless creativity temporarily obsolete. The album is nevertheless abysmal...

Overlong, overproduced and home to some truly awful tunes (the R Kelly featuring "Out of This Club" is a particular lowlight) it brings new meaning to the word 'soulless'. Not only does Nicole Scherziwiener sing almost every single note on this 88 million song opus (or at least it sounds that way) but her and her band of faceless, nameless dancing-robot cronies suck every single drop of personality, feistiness and er... everything else out of songs that would otherwise be chart-topping smash hits in the hands of someone else.

There was something almost resembling attitude surrounding the release of their first album but DD is so mind-blowingly lacking in any sort of charisma that it almost sucks the life straight out of you. Even Missy Elliott sounds bored and uninspired (she namedropes Katy Perry... we know). It's actually a massive shame because "I Hate This Part", "Takin' Over The World" and "Bottle Pop" are all phenomenally good pop songs, in the way that pop songs are phenomenally good for about six months before being rubbish forever after.