Sigh.

We quite like Lily Allen. She's a quite good pop star and the whole gobby thing is actually genuinely refreshing considering how boringly tight-lipped everyone else in the world seems to be when it comes to opinions. We even quite liked her chat show. It was alright.

We have a feeling though, she is subconsciously extremely jealous of Madonna. Now we're not professional psychologists (we're not even doing a degree in psychology!) but when someone continues to bang on negatively about someone in a rather non-constructive manner it starts to get a little suspish, n'est-ce pas?

Today on Perez she was featured banging on about how Madonna is "the most overrated artist of all time" (not for the first time) and Britney is "a goddess" and that her album is "amazing". Hmmm... let's all think about this, Lily, shall we?

Madonna can't really sing (or act, except when she's playing Eva Peron), we'll admit, but she's a phenomonal dancer, phenomonal performer, rather good songwriter and lyricist (when she's not describing how her arsehole gets down), an innovator, a feminist icon, sex symbol, fashion trend-setter and possibly the most famous person on the entire planet. She has spent over 20 years in the music industry and at 50 is still crafting opinion-dividing and musically adventurous pop albums and dancing around in her knickers a lot more skilfully than you ever will.

Perhaps, Lily, you are jealous that Madonna, a woman who you probably think you are better than in every way (you're not, love) is so phenomonally successful? Maybe you wish you could get your leg over your head, something you probably can't do at 19 yet Madonna can do at 50. Maybe you wish you could have the biggest-grossing world tour of the year - an all-singing, all-dancing pop extravaganza - instead of just standing on stage jiggling a tiny bit and looking stoned.

This sort of institutionalized and internalized sexism and ageism really gets our goat. You get a very similar thing from Julie Burchill. She is incapable of writing an article without a) criticizing Madonna and b) criticizing her with respect to her age, even if it has no relevance whatsoever. You don't have to have a PHD in psychology to notice that Julie Burchill is probably deeply jealous and resentful of the fact that Madonna is 30 stone lighter and 500 million pounds richer than her and yet seemingly "devoid of talent".

The whole idea that Madonna is talentless, is not only a lie, but also beside the point. Madonna is not an opera singer. She is not a novelist (although her foray into children's literature shall be overlooked). She is a popstar and she does the job remarkably well. At least 1000 million times better than Britney, at any rate.

Quite what Lily Allen sees in a depressed, pill-popping puppet on the brink of a nervous breakdown and quite possibly the only person in the world being forced into a pop career against their will, is anybody's guess. It's quite alright to think that Britney's album is amazing, but to attribute this amazingness to Britney herself is like saying a ventriloquist's act is amazing because of the dummy he's holding.

Anyway Lily, let's hope your career lasts 20 years, spanning genres, setting trends, changing the landscape of pop and embodying female empowerment, because unless it does you're going to look a little bit silly, aren't you?