This season, I will be wearing...

I don't think we have had a fashion/cosmetic post yet, so I feel it is necessary to dip my foot into the basin/ break the hymen of Shiny & New's toiletry coverage. Mainly, this is just a feeble excuse to post a picture of this:

With all of these appalling "celeb" perfumes, it is always amusing to try and guess just what sort of tantalising aroma these saggy WAGs have apparently managed to bottle. I feel Kerry, with her sex toy reminiscent bottle-monstrosity, has layered the following notes:

Floral Note: hint of nettle, inspired by the shrubs she regularly falls into after a vodka and guiness too many. Overtones of pissy weeds upon which she has crouched in dark alleyways.

Musk Note: That rather mammal-y smell taken from Kerry's cruise ship of a body after baby no. 56. Imagine unwashed crotch mingling with sweaty thigh and post labour clamminess.

Green Note: furniture from Argos, the dog kennel in which she keeps her husband and the sawdust occupying her cranial area.

Oriental Note: Frozen Chicken Chow Mein courtesy of Iceland, with flurries of blackbean, torrents of salt and that all familiar tang of MSG.

Citrus Note: a two litre bottle of Fanta and the squirt of lemon and bucket of mayonaise which garnishes Kerry's takeaway fish and chips.

I am yet to smell it. I hear she is also working on a sequel fragrance, "Gobby" with a totally original mix of battered saveloy, soiled nappies, excess fat (taken straight from the liposuction machine) and Pedigree Chum. All this bitchiness aside, I do like Kerry. She may make mistakes and be a tad artless/ tactless, but she is not afraid to stand up for herself/spit on you.

But something I am keen to avoid, is this:

God knows what THAT smells of.