Julie Christie.

In a moment of complete masochistic insanity yesterday we decided to challenge ourselves by listening to Eoghan Quigg's entire debut album on Spotify. Let us explain. We are not some sort of musical self-harmer, but when a website like Popjustice tells you that an album is so bad that from now on, everyone will measure bad albums against it, your curiosity gets the best of you.

Well we can safely say it goes beyond all pre-designated levels unlistenability and we would rather sit through an entire hour of atonal, serialist sonatas written for Rachel Stevens accompanied by a cheese grater, than ever have to listen to it again.

In truth, we couldn't even get through it all. We failed you. After getting as far as the first track (that awful song about social networking sites - no joke) the opening strains of "We're All In This Together" from High School Musical were enough to send us over the edge. We do not understand why Simon Cowell thinks that every single random 'kids-friendly' entertainer from here to Butlins can have an international smash hit number 1 if they sing songs lazily lifted from the first High School Musical. He is wrong.

Elsewhere there is a horrendous cover of ABBA's classic "Does Your Mother Know", that sort of ruins it forever, and a version of that song "Home", that almost every single male contestant on X Factor seems to be forced to sing at some point in their careers. As if having both Michael Bublé (vom) and Westlife (vom, vom, gay, vom) release the song, weren't bad enough, we have to sit through gayfaced, falsely-earnest twunts from up and down the country, who will probably be embroiled in a rape scandal at some point down the line, sing this as if the words were handed down to them by GOD.

In the future we wouldn't be surprised if Simon Cowell orders that there be a "Home" week on X Factor as opposed to a "Rock" week, or a "Leona Lewis" week, where every single contestant has to sing the exact same version of the song one after another, until the end of time, thus killing everyone to death with their 'earnest pop faces'.

We also found ourselves listening to the cover of "Year 3000" and were gobsmacked to find that the classic line "your great-great-great-granddaughter is pretty fine" changed to "your great-great-great-granddaughter is DOING fine". WHY!?

We can just imagine the record label meeting. Some self-important retard, who has to make up things just so they feel their job is justified pipes up and says:

"Seeing as Eoghan's target audience are girls too young to have ever heard of 'sex' and old ladies so old they pretend they don't know what 'sex' is despite having 12 children and never having used a condom (irresponsible barebacking sex addicts) we think that we must erradicate the line about Eoghan finding someone's great-great-great-granddaughter sexually attractive because saying a woman is "fine" is not only extremely offensive but also demeaning to women everywhere. In fact it's probably the most offensive thing you can ever say to a woman and just by saying it you have set feminism back by 300 years. It's worse than propositioning a girl to do toilet-themed sex with you in public. It is so horrific that Emily Pankhurst will come down from heaven to kill you in your sleep if you say it. It is wrong. "DOING fine" on the other hand is neither offensive, nor sexist. Doncha think?"

We fear for humanity.