Christ on a bike: no.

It's boyband o'clock...

... we'd almost forgotten they existed, but now more than ever we feel a dark, depressing vacuum. An empty hole. A dearth of fab. A negative space. Bad energy. We miss Girls Aloud :(

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Things that hurt our ears...

Seriously, no, seriously. Click above at your peril. On the left we have Mika and RedOne (a pairing devised in hell) with a song that puts Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" through a filter of Little Boots' "Remedy". It's not necessarily a bad song, but Mika's literally screeching falsetto is quease-inducing and his enunciation is so 'over-zealous-stage-school-brat' it brings the vom to your throat.

On the right we have Justin Beaver, who we were going to completely ignore up until this point. His past releases have been banal, predictable and contrived, but then what would you expect from this generation's answer to Aaron Carter (!?). But this, THIS. This is a new low. It features THAT chord sequence (you'll know the one) and a chorus composed almost entirely of the word 'baby'. We try never to be snobbish about pop (well obviously) but this really is unquestionably dire.

Sorry to ruin your day but we needed to 'take a stand'.

In the spirit of creepiness...

More things people have googled that somehow lead them to stumble across our site:

• sade -de -marat -marquis
• peter kay sharted
• ferocious grape
• afternoon licking
• shakira horrible

Quite just how strange you would have to be to google "peter kay sharted" we have NO idea. We can only fear for our lives.

Could Akon get any creepier?

Whilst we admire (!) Akon's story telling skills (he artfully employs narrative in this pearlescent masterpiss above) we are almost a little repulsed by his new single, "Nosy Neighbour". It's about being a nasty perv spying on "the best creation of woman that I ever saw in a long, long time". If that's not stunning, Romantic poetry to your ears then we don't know what is. Move over, Keats, the sedge hath withered from the lake because Akon sings.

We could do a lyrical analysis and break this all down for you, but quite honestly the lyrics 'literally' (not literally, actually) speak for themselves. They are gross, they are a bit sort-of 'horny, lads-mag version of Rear Window' and they are the most geniarse thing since Peter Andre put 'pen' to 'paper'. Here the lyrics appear revised but unexpurgated:

my binoculars on, alone,
staring out of my window,
i see the best creation of
woman that i ever saw in
a long, long time

some say it is wrong
but what if she knows
that i am spying on her
would she strip down
naked and entertain me

oh my god she's doing it

taking it off

she's getting naked

she threw her shirt
(off on the floor)
then threw her bra
(off on the floor)
then threw her skirt
(off on the floor)
then threw her drawers
(off on the floor)

i can't believe she's getting naked
i'm waiting her, off on the floor
no topping her off on the floor
no stopping her off on the floor

she knows im watching her, off on the floor...

*shudders, feels vom rising in throat, develops eye twitch, ends it all*

2009: Male Popstar Fail

We've already made our feelings known but in 2010 male popstars MUST TRY HARDER. In all respects.

Move over Peter Andre, its the album cover of the year, decade and possibly century...

We're far too young to remember who the Nolans are, but we're aware that one of them does the Iceland ads and possibly used to be on Loose Women (we need to hire a fact checker). If 'Iceland' and 'Loose Women' mean nothing to you, you are probably a foreign and/or you live in a box in which case MOVE ON. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

Oh but wait, there is! For the Nolans, who had one hit back in the 1340s and have continued to try and wring cash from it every since, are releasing a new album. Does it contain glitteringly arch post-pop Xenomania masterpieces? No, of course not (it does feature a COVER of a glitteringly arch post-pop Xenomania masterpiece, though). It's a load of dodgy old crap with a lot of dodgy old covers thrown in.

We mean, REALLY. A cover of "The Promise" was to be expected, but a cover of "So What" by P!nk?! Do we really want to hear 'olds' (and we'd say this about men too, sexism watchdogs) singing about still being a rockstar?! Crikey and a cripes and a christ on a bike. Obviously all the criticism we've just heaped at the album is just jealousy, because we just KNOW that this will top our best albums of 2009 feature. Move over Batty Lashes and Patrick Wolf. Move over Regina, Gossip 'et al'. This looks like the one to beat.

Music For Idiots...

We've made our feelings on misogyny in music '09 made very plain here, here and here but if you still wanted more, look no further than Pitbull's new existential masterpiece "Hotel Room Service". Popjustice did a brilliant thing a while back about JUST why Pitbull is an idiot (in short: he's a sexist cunt who includes an 'ODE TO WOMAN' on his magnificent opus) but we really suggest you get the full brunt of his idiocy above.

It's so easy to be completely desensitised to sexism in music. We're so used to seeing vacuously gyrating women thrusting their front and back bottoms at the camera just to prove that the man making the music a) isn't a poofter b) is a big ol' stud worthy of musical investment that we just ignore it, or tell anyone who complains that it's "political correctness gone mad". But it isn't. There's a very clear distinction between this, where women are wide-eyed props used cynically to turn a buck, and artists like Madonna, Lady GaGa, or even Björk who have used female nudity and sexuality to make distinct, ironic and sincere points.

Please don't get us wrong, we are not opposed to women being sexy, naked, sexually empowered or even (in the case of artists like Peaches) completely preoccupied with coitus... but in the cases we admire, the sex is being used by female artists with distinct and indisputable talents who have made their own choices, not a male 'artist' or record label employee who has decided that a pair of tits and a bit of a camel toe will equal dosh. Unfortunately Pitbull is charting well.

More 'lols' courtesy of the freaks who google strange shit and end up on our site...

• “where does esmee denters get her leggings from in her video”
• “regina spektor sexual orientation”
• “mika gay”
• “imogen heap and drug use”
• “gurlgurlgurl”
• “grace jones stage diving”
• “girls cant catch facts”
• “florence and the machine headwear”
• “cumshot inurl:blogspot.com”
• “bishi bnp”
• “amelle berrabah in a unitard”
• “tits on a pole”
• “julie christie fucking”
• “don’t get florence and the machine”
• “cumshot site:blogspot.com”

A beautiful angel from Heaven...

Call off the search...

We know we're coming to this rather late, but you'll have to forgive us because we had more important things to do (like pretending it didn't exist). Basically, if you're a bit slow, or live under a rock, this is Peter Andre's 'comeback' single. It's already at something like 4 in the chart (I know, it's time to flee the country) and marks a complete departure from his previous work in that we don't actually think that's his voice on it (strangest vocal effects of the year, for sure).

Anyway, the title of this post (and don't even come close to thinking it has anything to do with Katie Melua because that talentless pot of beige paint has no place on our blog) refers to the fact that we have now found the worst lyrics of the year, and possibly the decade, encased in this here song and are therefore vetoing any rules we have about only handing out prizes at the end of the year in order to award this the HONORARY PETER ANDRE SHIT LYRIC MEDALLION OF THE YEAR.

The offending lyrics are below, 'btw':

"Behind closed doors,
That's where the truth is,
That's where the lie is"

Just... just... NO.

Stuck In Our Head: "Sexy Bitch" - David Guetta with Akon

So far, our 'Stuck In Our Head' feature has only showcased songs that have been favourably embedded in our skulls. A bit of predictable chart dross here and there has peppered what has otherwise been a set of lovely and excellent little songs that we might otherwise not find a reason to write about. But all that is about to change (cue storm clouds).

The above 'ditty', David Guetta's latest dance smash, is not sonically execrable. In fact, with a different vocalist, a different sentiment and different lyrics, we might even come to feel a certain love for it. But Akon is an artist we have never felt particular fondness for. His proclivity for reducing women to revolving tits-on-a-pole doesn't please us at all, nor does his alleged dry-humping of an underaged girl (we said ALLEGED, SO DO NOT SUE US). Even with his 'sexist' behaviour and attitude set to one side, his nasal, vocodered tones are not 'our bag'. So it is with great sadness that we announce this dreadful ditty to be stuck in our head, because all whinging aside, it has the kind of chorus that could resurrect dead careers, and send disgraced musicians back to the top of the charts world wide.

Anyway, we'll let you judge for yourself as to whether you deem Akon's lyrics to be of the misogynist variety. We, at the very least, find them unsavoury.

"She's nothing like the girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore"

"I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
Damn, youse a sexy bitch"

*Sicks up in mouth*

There really is no excuse for this.

Patrick Wolf needs to sort his act out or even begrudgingly faithful fans, like this writer, who throughout all the puerile shit have stuck with him for THE MUSIC are going to start jumping ship. There's nothing 'cool' or 'rebellious' or 'revolutionary' or 'rock and roll' about throwing heavy objects at someone whose only crime would appear to be switching a PA off.

We thought about funny ways to spin this, but there's something disturbing about watching someone you thought you admired being... well... such a cunt.

On Amnesia: A Short Essay...

It's very easy, as a popular music consumer or obsessive, to forget things. For example, it's easy to forget that the popular music industry, is just that, an industry: a business. As such, hundreds and thousands of acts get signed to labels every year with one great hope! That they'll make money, or at least enough to break even. Of course, money isn't the only objective when it comes to popular music. That would be to discount the gallons of passion lovingly and sweatily poured into making things tick. That would be to discount the small time music lovers who endlessly bankrupt themselves to keep their cult indie label in business and to keep the bands they've signed touring.

But nevertheless, as a competitive and million-dollar business, the popular music industry sees thousands and thousands of acts signed and dropped each year. Some go on to make lasting contributions, not just to music, but to culture at large. But most don't. This is where amnesia comes in. There is no recipe to perfect pop. If there were one, everyone could have a hit. But there isn't. Through whatever small loophole of destiny, some pop songs end up connecting with the public and music lovers in a way that is almost impossible to describe, document or force. Other times music, despite having all the right ingredients, just doesn't 'click'.

And because of the endlessly revolving wave of new artists being smashed angrily upon the shore that is the public's collective consciousness, songs that don't 'click', or even songs that do, end up disappearing into the abyss forever. Some are remembered fondly by a small group of fans, but depressingly even more are remembered by no one. It's not to say that they are bad, just forgettable... and forgotten.

WTF!?1!?!!11 get sexee

And so the new Sugababes single, "Get Sexy" has leaked/premiered/has been born unto this world. Now we like the Sugababes. We appreciate their commercial success, and have fondness for many of their tracks. We even have warm memories of listening to Angels With Dirty Faces on pirate copy CD back when pirate copy CDs were relevant. We appreciate the girls' desire to try something different, which we recommended after the utter drivel of Catfights and Spotshites as we have come to know their 2008 opus as at Chateau de S&N.
Try again.

The girls picked producers who are 'hot' at the minute. Natural choice. The song is made up of elements from songs which are 'hot' at the minute. Natural... but not very good. The song was bred, brewed and brought up to be a number one hit from its point of conception but that doesn't mean it's a good song. It's actually awful. It's as if the girls just sat down and took a look at the current Billboard chart in America.

Keisha: SO GURLZ, LYK WT DO AMERICANS LYK? TWEET ME BK TY XXX
Amelle: Brap brap.
Heidi: *incoherent Scouse babble, too foggy to translate even to cyberspace*

Its backing track is unmistakably directly lifted from "Boom Boom Pow", with the chorus synths actually a direct copy of the breakdown following Fergie's inspirational "People in the place" speech. The lyrics were clearly written by the girls while attending a night class at Lil' Wayne's Academy for Songwriting. Our heads have reached their cringe capacity for the day (we just listened to the song twice in a row) so we can't even re-print some of the diabolical classics.

What are the girls playing at? Are they really and truly trying to finally crack America? Well they won't, unfortunately, and this effort will only embarrass them further. Expect to hear this on the dancefloors of "Liquid and Envy"s up and down the country very very soon. Expect to hear this in our iTunes never.

(We'd just like to point out that the writer of this 'ere article very quickly did an about-face and decided that in spite of the horrendous lyrics and derivative sound, "Get Sexy" was indeed a 'club' 'banger'. We don't think it's in his iTunes, even now, but still... we can all learn something about the redemptive power of song - Ed)

In the mood for summat pointless 'n' horrible?

'The Album' apparently.

Sienna Miller, is that you!?

Oh it's Pixie Lott off-of fairly good 'pop' tunes but so calculatedly manufactured even we can't stomach it.

We have a most disgusting lyric of the year already and it's only June...

"Shush girl shut your lips,
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."

This is exactly the kind of misogynist, frat-boy, emotronica mess that we can imagine America loving. And guess what? This has already gone Top Ten 'across the pond'. We guess Americans don't have a problem with lyrics like "Don't trust a ho" or "Never trust a ho"... we find that offensive not just to hos, but to womankind in general. We're guessing Brits won't have a problem with these lyrics either. Sad!

There's trouble in Paradise...

Take That, eternal manboys of the British public's collective hearts have not had the greatest of success in the UK Charts of recent. And we're wond'ring why. There doesn't seem to be a dearth in love for them. Mothers, pop afficionadoes and eternal ladygirls of the British public are still rushing to see them in droves so is it a question of song quality?! We have no idea. Their recent chart placings are below. Before judging let us remind you that Take That have previously scored 5 number 1s in a row...

• "Up All Night" - 14
• "The Garden" - 97
• "Said It All" - 74