BATTLE OF THE CHEAP LAZY VIDEOS

Pixie Lott is a gurning stage school brat with little-to-no personality and (we predict) the career longevity of a male X Factor winner. Natalia Kills is a pretentious, idea-devoid automaton who has based her entire career on that of another mostly idea-devoid (but infinitely more talented) pretentious idiot.

These are almost entirely negative opinions on two pop non-entities. If you don't like them, you don't have to read our blog. You can go to a different corner of the internet where your feelings aren't hurt. This may seem a bit like bashing a puppy (Lott and Kills aren't exactly the most popular and universally loved pop people, so we're not exactly being controversial here). But we thought we'd just get our feelings out of the way straight off the bat.

Nevertheless the two (no doubt lovely) ladies have both just released music videos for serviceable pop songs. Let us elaborate: "Kiss The Stars" by Pixie Lott is her least hateful song since "Boys & Girls". It's a derivative, lazily produced, "Teenage Dream"-knockoff-meets-Ke$ha-bonus-track. But it's catchy. It's *shudder* fun. It has a rather nifty glimmery chorus that makes us want to dance. Well done the song. Natalia Kills' "Kill My Boyfriend" is similarly brain-wormy. It starts off all sunny and Lily Allen-ish but goes all Jekyll & Hyde by bursting into a Blackout-era Britney pre-chorus. It's genuinely chilling (she actually wants to kill her boyfriend... it's not a metaphor), made all the spookier by how upbeat the music is. We think both of these songs are solid 3 out of 5s on the mainstream manufactured pop scale. They will do. They are fun to listen to. They do not offend us or hurt our ears.

HOWEVER.

The videos that have just been released are both cheap, boring, unoriginal tat. Probably not the fault of either artist: after all, Pixie Lott - who is supposed to be the UK Pop Princess - just released her Difficult Second Album to the sound of people not giving a shit (it charted at 18 and then disappeared); and Natalia Kills who was supposed to blow up, GaGa-style, is yet to have a hit in any major music market outside of Germany. We're sure both of their respective record labels are hesitant to throw moneys or ideas (which cost money) at something high-concept and expensive[-looking]. So, no, we're not surprised. But REALLY.

Firstly: in Pixie's case. The stylist really should be fired. That floppy semi-bob is horrendously lank looking and the clothing is the kind that even the most low-rent Germanotta-impersonator would shun. The concept for the MV itself is basically September's UK "Cry For You" video (an infinitely better song) crossed with Katy Perry's "E.T." video (the floating in 'space' bits). It is so sub-Little Boots it doesn't even make sense in the context of 2012. Like... who is this going to appeal to? It's not strange enough to appeal to the self-consciously edgy tumblr kids who liked Rihanna's "We Found Love" with its washed out hipster imagery and abundance of coloured smoke and ribbons. It's not sexy enough (at all, actually) to appeal to TEH LADS. Someone's thrown in some half-arsed Madonna Blond Ambition nods (the ponytail, the flat jazz shoes). But why? It doesn't make sense, the dancing dodecahedron people look like they've been cut and pasted out of a 90s Billie Piper video (actually that reads like a compliment: it's not). It's a mess. Yes, we get that the song uses SPACE metaphors so the video is set on a strange alternate plane of reality (in space), but come on.

How this could have been saved: if someone slapped Pixie Lott until she stopped doing that awful, cheesy, Musical Theatre, amateur Saturday stage school grin DURING EVERY SUNG LINE (we do not endorse violence against women or people of any kind, jsyk); the green eye shadow was aborted; the concept was completely overhauled and changed to people having a food fight in a school canteen dressed as 90s high school kids from cult films, intercut with footage from fun at a roller derby, climaxing with a romantic kiss. That would be fun, simple, cheap, relevant, trendy, humorous, self-aware, visually enticing. Not necessarily the most original idea, ever. But it wouldn't hurt our eyes and it might help the single succeed.

Secondly: Natalia, Natalia, Natalia. The greatest criticism levelled at you is that all you do is follow in Germanotta's shady footsteps. Your songs are actually of a high quality. Someone in the studio has managed to hide the fact that you can't actually sing in tune VERY WELL. Your styling is often on point. In previous videos vaguely-original imagery has been deployed. WHERE HAS IT GONE WRONG? Lady GaGa already did a video about killing your boyfriend. It was called "Paparazzi" and it also featured sunny, brightly-coloured morbidity, lots of sunglasses and strange, sterile, 50s-inspired domesticity, all Stepford-like. Except that video had a budget a bit larger than your average Morrisons advert.

How this could have been saved: if someone had had more than 50p to work with. The video shouldn't have been so literal or staid or featured that cheap and very dated effect where a popstar is multiplied in the same shot as if there are 3 of them walking around. It should have featured Kills as a savvy, talented bounty hunter rolling around town apprehending FTAs (read Janet Evanovich novels and then you'll know). Cheap, fun, watchable. All they would have had to do would be film Natalia with a variety of guns breaking into people's houses and places of business and kicking/punching/handcuffing them until she finds herself in a crack den where her partner/lover (seen earlier) is seen making out with a prostitute. Then she shoots him in the face.

If anyone wants to hire us for video concepts, enquire at the usual email address.

Fatigue.

Leona's new song sounds like a photocopy of a fax, Pixie Lott's new single sounds like it's stolen the riff from Robyn's acoustic version of "Be Mine!". Is nobody capable of original pop any more?

Sure, we have Björk, Tori Amos and Madonna albums to look forward to this year, but other than that 2011 has been a seriously flat year for music. You know things are desperate when two of your favourite pop songs of the year are by Miranda Cosgrove and Selena Gomez.

On a more relevant note: PIXIE'S HAIR?Q?!??!?!??!SDLKFJSDL:K!?

Horrondosity, or The Worst Hat of All Time

Where does Pixie's head end and the hat begin? Does she have a large prism/pyramid/dome-shaped head underneath that upturned flowerpot of a monstrosity?! Is the rippled skirt to counterbalance her dreadful curtain-flavoured bangs?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Who does she think she is?

1. Stop smiling, love. It's a SAD BALLAD.
2. You are not Madonna in "La Isla Bonita".
3. You are not Madonna in "Take A Bow".
4. You are not Madonna in "You'll See".
5. You are not Madonna in "Evita".
6. THE SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING BIT AT THE END IS ONE OF THE MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS MOMENTS IN ANY MUSIC VIDEO EVER.

Genuinely fascinating.

As far as we're concerned, Pixie Lott is not human. As a very wise and esteemed fellow blogger (xolondon) once said, she is a test tube baby. Her record label have managed an extraordinary scientific feat! They should win the Nobel prize for their scientific cunning, because what they have done is they have merged Duffy and Lady GaGa to create an über pop star. Someone who can not just sing like a merry old foghorn, but also dance like a jumping jack or something (!). Someone who will not only appeal to musty, middle-of-the-road types who listen solely to Radio 2 and buy all their CDs at Waitrose, but also to the cool young kids of tomorrow, shaping the future one Tinchy Stryder single at a time.

It's fascinating and impressive. You can almost imagine the board meeting:

What's popular right now is sort of this soul thing, because of that Winehouse lady who repopularised it years after it had gone out of style. We need our very on Winehouse. Our own Adele, our own Duffy, our own Gabriella Cilmi... *drifts off into reverie*... but we also hear on the grapevine that due to some GaGa lady, soul is out and being a leather jacket-wearing white girl singing about drugs to synth backing tracks is coming back. What we need is someone who can cover both bases and appeal to the oldies who are suckers for cheap synthesized horns and repetitive drum fills, and to the youngies who will buy anything by a fit blonde in a leotard doing jagged dancing and wearing sunglasses at night. Let's invent Pixie Lott.

Of course, we're joking. We're well aware that Ms. Lott was not invented, but is simply an extremely fit, rather bland stage school prodigy but it's fascinating nevertheless, n'est-ce pas? Also: note how they recruited half of Goldsmiths College to dance topless in the above video in order to make her seem more edgy!

Sienna Miller, is that you!?

Oh it's Pixie Lott off-of fairly good 'pop' tunes but so calculatedly manufactured even we can't stomach it.

Semi Music FAIL.

It looks like Pixie Lott could be number 1 this weekend. That's Pixie Lott a.k.a. 'fit-but-pointless'. It just boggles our mind that Little Boots, electro glamour kitten and current mistress of our synthy little hearts has debuted at no. 13 despite a truckload of hype and praise and a stomper of a little song, whereas Pixie Lott, soulful blonde airhead with the artistic wallop of lump of ricotta is shooting to the top of a charts. Bizarre and not fair.

A thing about Pixie Lott...

If you thought the whole 'little Winehouse' phenomenon had been KILLED forever by Lady GaGa and her band of synthy divas - you were wrong. Disillusioned record labels are still trying to squeeze money out of any woman with a decent, soul-flavoured voice and it sucks. In fact, the only good thing to come out of the whole post-Winehouse thing is Adele, who is genuinely extremely talented, not just at singing but also at songwriting and being a charming and beautiful young woman.

On the more dreadful side we've been fed Duffy, who despite some impeccably calculated and well produced Dusty Springfield impersonations has the personality and performance skills of a cheap, lifeless wig and Gabriella Cilmi, who just defies description, she is that bland. These women are NOT copying Amy Winehouse, but the fact that they finally got signed, and given the big push towards chart success is directly related to Amy Winehouse. Anyway... now we have Pixie Lott who is rather fit (in a completely forgettable way) and err... that's it.

She doesn't necessarily take anything away from pop (other than being boring) but she certainly doesn't add anything either. Oh and if that's not enough... check out Emma Deigman. We saw her supporting Girls Aloud and she was like a horrific cross between Gabriella Cilmi and Joss Stone with the looks of sort of Lucie Silvas crossed with... someone else boring.

She can sing. But that doesn't make her interesting. She did a horrific sort of 'soul' version of Lady GaGa's "Just Dance" and several songs that we gather were supposed to be all about being a strong, independent woman in charge of her own life (they were about Jimmy Choos). If anything boils our blood more than boring singers singing boring music, it's boring singers singing boring music who think they are somehow proponents of 'strong, independent women in charge of their own lives' when in reality they stand for a weak, sentimental sort of anti-feminism that seems to spit directly in Emily Pankhurst's grave.

Anyway, we digress. Let us get to the point: Pixie Lott and Emma Deigman = boring, pointless, irritating. Oh and don't even get us started on the fact that not ONE of these supposed new Queens of Soul is black (with the exception maybe of Estelle and VV Brown who, like Adele, are both too interesting in their own right to fall into the post-Winehouse category).