BATTLE OF THE CHEAP LAZY VIDEOS

Pixie Lott is a gurning stage school brat with little-to-no personality and (we predict) the career longevity of a male X Factor winner. Natalia Kills is a pretentious, idea-devoid automaton who has based her entire career on that of another mostly idea-devoid (but infinitely more talented) pretentious idiot.

These are almost entirely negative opinions on two pop non-entities. If you don't like them, you don't have to read our blog. You can go to a different corner of the internet where your feelings aren't hurt. This may seem a bit like bashing a puppy (Lott and Kills aren't exactly the most popular and universally loved pop people, so we're not exactly being controversial here). But we thought we'd just get our feelings out of the way straight off the bat.

Nevertheless the two (no doubt lovely) ladies have both just released music videos for serviceable pop songs. Let us elaborate: "Kiss The Stars" by Pixie Lott is her least hateful song since "Boys & Girls". It's a derivative, lazily produced, "Teenage Dream"-knockoff-meets-Ke$ha-bonus-track. But it's catchy. It's *shudder* fun. It has a rather nifty glimmery chorus that makes us want to dance. Well done the song. Natalia Kills' "Kill My Boyfriend" is similarly brain-wormy. It starts off all sunny and Lily Allen-ish but goes all Jekyll & Hyde by bursting into a Blackout-era Britney pre-chorus. It's genuinely chilling (she actually wants to kill her boyfriend... it's not a metaphor), made all the spookier by how upbeat the music is. We think both of these songs are solid 3 out of 5s on the mainstream manufactured pop scale. They will do. They are fun to listen to. They do not offend us or hurt our ears.

HOWEVER.

The videos that have just been released are both cheap, boring, unoriginal tat. Probably not the fault of either artist: after all, Pixie Lott - who is supposed to be the UK Pop Princess - just released her Difficult Second Album to the sound of people not giving a shit (it charted at 18 and then disappeared); and Natalia Kills who was supposed to blow up, GaGa-style, is yet to have a hit in any major music market outside of Germany. We're sure both of their respective record labels are hesitant to throw moneys or ideas (which cost money) at something high-concept and expensive[-looking]. So, no, we're not surprised. But REALLY.

Firstly: in Pixie's case. The stylist really should be fired. That floppy semi-bob is horrendously lank looking and the clothing is the kind that even the most low-rent Germanotta-impersonator would shun. The concept for the MV itself is basically September's UK "Cry For You" video (an infinitely better song) crossed with Katy Perry's "E.T." video (the floating in 'space' bits). It is so sub-Little Boots it doesn't even make sense in the context of 2012. Like... who is this going to appeal to? It's not strange enough to appeal to the self-consciously edgy tumblr kids who liked Rihanna's "We Found Love" with its washed out hipster imagery and abundance of coloured smoke and ribbons. It's not sexy enough (at all, actually) to appeal to TEH LADS. Someone's thrown in some half-arsed Madonna Blond Ambition nods (the ponytail, the flat jazz shoes). But why? It doesn't make sense, the dancing dodecahedron people look like they've been cut and pasted out of a 90s Billie Piper video (actually that reads like a compliment: it's not). It's a mess. Yes, we get that the song uses SPACE metaphors so the video is set on a strange alternate plane of reality (in space), but come on.

How this could have been saved: if someone slapped Pixie Lott until she stopped doing that awful, cheesy, Musical Theatre, amateur Saturday stage school grin DURING EVERY SUNG LINE (we do not endorse violence against women or people of any kind, jsyk); the green eye shadow was aborted; the concept was completely overhauled and changed to people having a food fight in a school canteen dressed as 90s high school kids from cult films, intercut with footage from fun at a roller derby, climaxing with a romantic kiss. That would be fun, simple, cheap, relevant, trendy, humorous, self-aware, visually enticing. Not necessarily the most original idea, ever. But it wouldn't hurt our eyes and it might help the single succeed.

Secondly: Natalia, Natalia, Natalia. The greatest criticism levelled at you is that all you do is follow in Germanotta's shady footsteps. Your songs are actually of a high quality. Someone in the studio has managed to hide the fact that you can't actually sing in tune VERY WELL. Your styling is often on point. In previous videos vaguely-original imagery has been deployed. WHERE HAS IT GONE WRONG? Lady GaGa already did a video about killing your boyfriend. It was called "Paparazzi" and it also featured sunny, brightly-coloured morbidity, lots of sunglasses and strange, sterile, 50s-inspired domesticity, all Stepford-like. Except that video had a budget a bit larger than your average Morrisons advert.

How this could have been saved: if someone had had more than 50p to work with. The video shouldn't have been so literal or staid or featured that cheap and very dated effect where a popstar is multiplied in the same shot as if there are 3 of them walking around. It should have featured Kills as a savvy, talented bounty hunter rolling around town apprehending FTAs (read Janet Evanovich novels and then you'll know). Cheap, fun, watchable. All they would have had to do would be film Natalia with a variety of guns breaking into people's houses and places of business and kicking/punching/handcuffing them until she finds herself in a crack den where her partner/lover (seen earlier) is seen making out with a prostitute. Then she shoots him in the face.

If anyone wants to hire us for video concepts, enquire at the usual email address.