Oh. Madonna. No. Yes. No. YES. NO.

Twas the Metropolitan Museum of Art's annual Costume Gala thingy last night... and here are some of the 'outfits' that were on display:

You know what? This isn't even THAT bad? The dress on its own would have been really, really, really cute and Madonna CLEARLY has the hot physique to carry it off where someone like Beyoncé might look like a babychild prostitute heffalump in it. The problem, clearly, is the horrendous (read: fabulous) set of accessories. Whilst the 80s scrunchie and fingerless gloves might have seemed like a hawt idea in a kind of 'I-invented-this-look-and-I-can-still-carry-it-off' sort of way... she actually can't carry it off anymore. Or rather, NO ONE CAN. As for the boots... they're kinda really sexy and we think they might work with the dress if she weren't wearing a turquoise taffeta pair of rabbit ears on her head and some hobo glovettes. But, y'know what?! Madonna wasn't even the worst dressed there by a LONG way.

Which brings us to the Olsenette twinzies.

Clearly they decided on a joint theme of 'A Christmas Carol' and both turned up as ghosts: Ashley arrived as the ghost of fashion crimes present, and Mary-Kate arrived as the ghost of fashion crimes PAST. Wanna know who came as the ghost of fashion crimes future?

Is this supposed to be some sort of futuristic body contouring optical illusion trickery shit, Ciara? Or did you just pick a HORRIBLE dress? Choose your answer wisely, CeeCee, you will be judged on it.

From then on in, things just get worse. See this horrific quartet of beige carps?

Have they fallen out with Madonna (and Gwyneth Paltrow)? Cuz those bitches used to hang together all the time. They're partially responsible for the BORIFICATION of Madge (it's in the Bible, the Book of Ciccone, Chapter 4, Verse 1 or Like A Virgin). Madonna was all hot to trot and the cutting edge of fashion and then she ended up hanging with these overcooked, bland, Primrose Hill yummy mummies and before you knew it she was married to Guy Ritchie, writing children's books and giving boring David Letterman interviews!

Also notice how any group of 4 women can have the Mean Girl/Heather personalities attached to them. Stella McCartney is Regina George/Heather Chandler. The ringleader. The Queen Bee. She rules these vegan yuppies with a iron (animal friendly) claw. Liv Tyler is the brunette so she plays second in command: the Gretch Weiners/Heather Duke. You can tell she resents Stella McCartney for turning up and having to share joint centre of the photo with her. Bitch will cut. Kate Hudson rounds off the holy 3 as the Karen Smith/Heather McNamara of the group. Dim, blonde, ditzy, probably the hottest one there. I can totally imagine Kate Hudson thinking she had the power to read the weather with her tits. Last and most definitely least is Kate Bosworth who is the Cady Heron/Veronica Sawyer of the group: i.e. she's the newest member. We haven't seen her hanging around this group before so she must be a new convert now that they've kicked Madonna and Gwyneth out (that lesbian and the gay from Mean Girls or Martha Dumptruck in Heathers).

ANYGAY... on to the rest of the 'costumes'. The hottest bitches there were without a doubt Rachel Weisz and Anne Hathaway. We mean... DAMN. Anne Hathaway is looking more and more like Jackie O every single time she steps out in public. Jackie O crossed with a 70s porn actress. And Rachel Weisz is rocking some horrible purple lipstick with her pink gown. Rachel Weisz could step out in a tin of baked beans and we'd still be singing her praises. She is HOT. At the Oscars a couples of years ago she was literally the ONLY well-dressed person. And we're not making that up, The Guardian agreed.

As for the rest of the costumes they are fairly snoozeworthy. Kate Moss wore gold. She continues to resemble a very strange man in a dress. Liz Hurley tried and failed to steal the show in a big pink number. Rihanna wore a strange suit thing with clumpy trousers. Victoria Beckham came in a silly polkadot showgirl sort of dress. And Marion Cotillard looked hot but forgettable. The 'I-got-dressed-drunk' award HAS to go to Kirsten Dunst WHO WE LOVE. It nearly went to Winona Ryder, who we also love, but Kirsten really trumped her this year when she wore this:

It's just a pity Lady GaGa wasn't there to outdo them ALL.

The Golden Globules

Yes yes, well done everybody. Well done Kate Winslet, Goddess of all Creation, for winning not only the Best Actress in a Depressing Film award for Revolutionary Road (which reminds me of rocky road) but also the Best Supporting Actress award for The Reader. Well done to the lovely Sally Hawkins for winning the Best Actress in a Film That Made You LOL, LMAO or PMSL for the enchanting and very funny Happy-Go-Lucky.

RIGHT. Now we've got that bit out of the way (the rest of the winners were boring - Slumdog Millionaire won everything) we can get onto the REALLY important part. The part you know the Awards Season is REALLY ABOUT... THE RED CARPET.

Ok so Best Dress this year TOTALLY goes to Maggie Gyllenhaal. Yes we know she looks like a high class call girl and leopard print (cheetah print??!?!) is SO the last five years, but we DON'T CARE. In a year where practically NO ONE took chances or wore anything amazingly horrendous, this stood out BY A MILE. You know we dig the hot messes and this is Hot Mess done immaculately.

Flawless.

Anyway the rest of the dresses were largely the most boring things we've EVER seen. I mean, that's usually the way with the Golden Globules. No one likes to go all out until the Oscars... it would be like wearing your special sexy santa costume on Christmas EVE instead of DAY. Yeah... weird. But still! Where were the disasters? You know it's a bad year for terrible red carpet frocks when the worst thing was worn by Renee Zellwegger...

Yes... that is she of likeable Bridge Jones fame and sultry, sexy, sassy, lemon sucky Chicago fame. She looks so high it's unTRUE. This year saw a lot of Actresses looking fucked. Case in point, the amazing Drew Barrymore:

We thought she'd stopped taking drugs, but apparently not. Her bum-chum and fellow angelette was also completely wasted at the event. Yes we're talking Cameron Diaz.

Homegirl has also obviously been hittin' on the steroids. I mean, please. Madonna has an excuse. She's 50. If she didn't exercise the shit out of her arms, they'd turn into bingo wings within SECONDS, leaving her near death and gagging for air. Cameron Diaz has NO excuse. There is also no excuse for that Barbie-does-DIY-dressmaking gown. Nor is there any excuse for the fact that her blonde highlights start 2 thirds of the way down her hairdo, giving her a strange sort of two-tiered-wig look. Not good.

Most Boring Dress of All Time goes to Kate Winslet & Angelina Jolie (i.e. two bitches who should know better). Kate Winslet may be the Goddess of all Eternity and Angelina Jolie may be the Virgin Mary Reborn but SERIOUSLY. Make an effort, girls. Also there was much Winslet and Jolie-related hilarity because when Kate Winslet made her thank you speech for Best Actress in a Film That Made You Cry Tears of Blood she forgot Angelina Jolie's name and referred to her as "the other one". Now, we saw Jolie's death stare ray when she aimed it at Anne Hathaway at the Critic's Choice (was it called that?) so we don't even want to KNOW what it looked like when Winslet made that slipup. The boring dresses are below.
BORING.

We can't really be arsed to do any more dress coverage, because in all honesty, they were the most boring dresses of all time. Salma Hayek, Kate Beckinsale, Penelope Cruz etc. etc. ALL DULL. Amy Adams and Anne Hathaway both looked mildly awful in strange glittery black swamps of fabric, and there were a lot of hot older bitches present (Susan Sarandon, Glenn Close and Sigourney Weaver WE MEAN YOU) but aside from that it was business as per usualness.

There's only one final award to hand out... The Trannylicious Award. Now you'd think that Beyonce would be a shoe-in for this award because, let's face it, she's the most Trannylicious person in the entire world EVER, but JLo actually scooped this one, cuz Beyonce was obviously not in Sasha mode.

Well done JLo.

Anyway we're all done here. If you want more pictures you can search for them yourselves. We'd like to thank the Telegraph website for providing all the pictures. PLEASE DON'T SUE US. We don't make any money out of this blog and will take them down if you so wish it. We'd also like to thank Michael K of Dlisted.com for his hilarious and informative live blogging. We had no idea what was going down at the awards because we live in the UK and they don't telebroadcast this shit so thankings. I think that about wraps it all up. See you in a few weeks (months?!?) for the Oscars.


P.S. WHY THE FUCK WAS MILEY CYRUS THERE?!?!?!?!??!