Lyrical Dissection: A U2 Edition

This might or might not become a regular feature, we have no idea. Anyway AS YOU MIGHT KNOW we attended the BRIT Awards at Londonium's Glittering Earl's Court Arena-thing this wednesday just past, and we were struck, during U2's performance by JUST HOW SHIT THEIR LYRICS WERE.

We're not really U2 fans anyway (in fact, Slightly Off Topic: when we were about 10 we remember sitting next to a terrible ponce on the school bus who told us that young people shouldn't be listening to rap, they should be listening to U2... TERRIBLE ADVICE) ANYWAY... we don't think much of U2 as it is... what can we say?!? They're not female, they don't play the harp, and frankly WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.

Anyway let us have a little dissection of their lyrics because a) it will be funny and b) it will be informative and clearly highly intellectual. HERE WE GO...

• "The future needs a big kiss"
  YOU HEAR THAT, 'THE FUTURE'?!?! YOU NEED A BIG OL' SLOPPY KISS COURTESY OF BONO (SHUDDER). U2 are so musically and politically important that they are capable of telling 'THE FUTURE' what it needs, and that it's all as simple as a big old slobby pash.

• "Wind blows with a twist"
  This sounds like a really cheap and tasteless fart-inspired cocktail.

• "Never seen a moon like this"
  What 'moon' specifically are you talking about and how is it different to other moons? Have you just been hitting up the 'random lyrics generator'? How does this 'moon' relate to the twisty, blowy winds of the previous line? And what does it have to do with 'the future' receiving a big sloppy kiss? Plz hexplain.

• "Can you see it too?"
  Is this the laziest lyric of all time? Can we see the moon too? Well if we had any idea what sort of moon it is, we might know, but U2 only seem to be interested in writing the kind of lyrics that deluded and pretentious teenagers up and down the country are capable of writing in their SLEEP. I.E. they have made the most ridiculously fundamental mistake of all lyric writers ever. They have written lyrics that make absolutely no sense, under the mistaken missillusion that people will find their lyrics profound and important just because they rhyme and they use words like 'moon'.

• "Night is falling everywhere"
  This is a completely ridiculous lyric because due to the nature of the fact that the earth rotates, it is never "NIGHT" everywhere. YES YES WE KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS. It's meant to indicate some deep and terrible doom or cancer of society descending upon the earth, but PLEASE. This sort of patronising lyric where a group of white, middle-aged, straight males try to make some sort of informed and DEEPLY IMPORTANT statement about the state of society is just horribly irrelevant and irritating. FUCK OFF.

• "Rockets at the fun fair"
  Does he mean NUCULAR ATOMIC ROCKETS?!?!? ROCKETS AT THE FUN FAIR?!?! This is exactly the kind of lyric you'd expect old men trying to be hip to write.

• "Satan loves a bomb scare"
  Oh does he now? Satan loves a what-now? A BOMB SCARE. Oh U2 you are so IMPORTANT because you talk about BOMBS all the time. YOU ARE SO EDGY AND IMPORTANT AND POLITICAL. BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS. You are the saviours of the world because you say BOMBS a lot. BOMBS. See? You've changed the world because you've made YET ANOTHER nonsensical lyric ABOUT BOMBS. BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS.

• "But he won’t scare you"
  Is this about moral bankruptcy or did Boner Bono just run out of ideas again?

• "Hey, sexy boots
  Get on your boots, yeah"
  I really don't want to know about Bono's 'sexy boots' fetish. This is embarrassing.

• "You free me from the dark dream"
  Ditto. What ever this is supposed to mean it is wrong.

• "Candy floss ice cream"
  The Random Lyrics Generator strikes again.

• "All our kids are screaming
  But the ghosts aren’t real"
  This one is quite literally the DIREST lyric of all time.

If we're honest we can't really be bothered to do the rest of the song because it's making our eyes bleed just getting this far... we will however leave you with two more ABYSMAL lyrics from this song. You can draw from them what you will.

• "I don’t want to talk about wars between nations"
  What sort of war do you want to talk about then? Wars between internal factions? Wars between cities? Wars between gangs in East London?

and

• "Let me in the sound"
  Erm...