Lyrical Dissection: A Take That Edition

We don't necessarily have anything against Take That. In fact we've been known to sing along ON OCCASION. However... no one is exempt when it comes to a good, hard Lyrical Dissection and the most recent Take Shat single, Up All Shite (oh fucking hell... *fires self*) has its fair share of CRIMINAL lyrics... therefore we shall cut and probe (what is wrong with us today?!).

Here we go:

"Sometimes I see your face looking at me"
This lyric is just inexcusably bad. Lazy, obvious and completely flagrant (that's sort of the same as obvious). It's like that Razorshite (we're on a roll) lyric where he sings about going out and then coming back in again. It's like when our friend told us a story about how she got her hair cut and when it was cut it was shorter. It is pointing out the obvious. We are aware that faces do other things, aside from looking at people, but it is a bit like writing a lyric that goes "Sometimes I see your legs walking along". Legs don't always walk along, but they do it so often that pointing out is not only insulting but horrible to the ears.

"All your love and grace smiling at me
All the things we had and never understood
At times it cuts me up thinking of you
All the hope has gone wasted on you"
This bit is not that bad although the cutting line is a tad emo, non Gazza Barlozza?

"All the talks we had never did no good"
Grammar, boys.

"Oh maybe I don´t need you to save me"
Sometimes we envision a paradies. A nonexistant and perfect utopia where music artists never ever rhyme the words "baby", "lady", "crazy", "maybe", "save me" or "hazy".

"I just want you to help me cos
you´re keeping me up all night"
What they're saying, right, is that this woman, right, that has LEFT them, right, is SO HOT AND SEXY that they can't stop thinking of her in a SEXUAL WAY. When they say that they want her to help them, they mean "give us a hand" as in TOSS US OFF. This is specifically disturbing considering the 'boys'/'lads' are singing this to a bevy of children in the video.

"I´m so tired of waiting
Waiting here for nothing
I should be up all night with you"
The boys are now suggesting that, life would be preferable if this hot, sexy mama were up all night SHAGGING THEM ALL SENSELESS, instead of leaving them to lie awake in their bunkbeds staring at their boners confusedly. (The thing is, readers, we're not even exaggerating this... these lyrics clearly are about sex. They are not singing about staying up all night playing Mahjong or doing 1200 piece puzzles! See the covertedness of pop lyrics... you probably didn't even think that this song might be about that because it's Take That and you expect it to be about Shining and being Patient and... oh that's enough of that).

"Pour another glass
While I watch the bottle disappear
While I watch the morning light appear
Thinking about you"
Take That touch on the important and very SAD problem of alcoholism.

"I met this girl last night and she said
'Why won't you marry me?'
He met this girl last night and she said
'Why won't you marry me?'"
Er...... we don't understand this bit. This is not a standard thing that girls in bars say, unless you're in a suspicious one called Fatal Attractionz or Psychoz or something.

"But I´m too young for that
Too dumb for that
Too broke for that
Too tired for that
Too proud for that
And I´m too gone for that
Would you like to come back to my flat?"
Basically Take That don't want to get married, they just want hard, fast meaningless sex which is a load of bollocks because we swear most of them are married anyway, and if not are probably gay (yeah we speculate about people's sexuality - so sue us!... no PLEASE DON'T!). ANYWAY, Take That are not young or broke but we're not sure about the other things. This song is clearly not written from the point of view of Take That. We can now come to the conclusion that the song is written from a random horny male's perspective. We like especially how at the end of that bit he solicits a young lady for fuckytimes without even trying to conceal it? Oh PLEASE... what did you think they were going to do in his flat? Watch Desperate Housewives?! COVER YOUR CHILDREN'S EARS.

Lyrical Dissection: A U2 Edition

This might or might not become a regular feature, we have no idea. Anyway AS YOU MIGHT KNOW we attended the BRIT Awards at Londonium's Glittering Earl's Court Arena-thing this wednesday just past, and we were struck, during U2's performance by JUST HOW SHIT THEIR LYRICS WERE.

We're not really U2 fans anyway (in fact, Slightly Off Topic: when we were about 10 we remember sitting next to a terrible ponce on the school bus who told us that young people shouldn't be listening to rap, they should be listening to U2... TERRIBLE ADVICE) ANYWAY... we don't think much of U2 as it is... what can we say?!? They're not female, they don't play the harp, and frankly WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.

Anyway let us have a little dissection of their lyrics because a) it will be funny and b) it will be informative and clearly highly intellectual. HERE WE GO...

• "The future needs a big kiss"
  YOU HEAR THAT, 'THE FUTURE'?!?! YOU NEED A BIG OL' SLOPPY KISS COURTESY OF BONO (SHUDDER). U2 are so musically and politically important that they are capable of telling 'THE FUTURE' what it needs, and that it's all as simple as a big old slobby pash.

• "Wind blows with a twist"
  This sounds like a really cheap and tasteless fart-inspired cocktail.

• "Never seen a moon like this"
  What 'moon' specifically are you talking about and how is it different to other moons? Have you just been hitting up the 'random lyrics generator'? How does this 'moon' relate to the twisty, blowy winds of the previous line? And what does it have to do with 'the future' receiving a big sloppy kiss? Plz hexplain.

• "Can you see it too?"
  Is this the laziest lyric of all time? Can we see the moon too? Well if we had any idea what sort of moon it is, we might know, but U2 only seem to be interested in writing the kind of lyrics that deluded and pretentious teenagers up and down the country are capable of writing in their SLEEP. I.E. they have made the most ridiculously fundamental mistake of all lyric writers ever. They have written lyrics that make absolutely no sense, under the mistaken missillusion that people will find their lyrics profound and important just because they rhyme and they use words like 'moon'.

• "Night is falling everywhere"
  This is a completely ridiculous lyric because due to the nature of the fact that the earth rotates, it is never "NIGHT" everywhere. YES YES WE KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS. It's meant to indicate some deep and terrible doom or cancer of society descending upon the earth, but PLEASE. This sort of patronising lyric where a group of white, middle-aged, straight males try to make some sort of informed and DEEPLY IMPORTANT statement about the state of society is just horribly irrelevant and irritating. FUCK OFF.

• "Rockets at the fun fair"
  Does he mean NUCULAR ATOMIC ROCKETS?!?!? ROCKETS AT THE FUN FAIR?!?! This is exactly the kind of lyric you'd expect old men trying to be hip to write.

• "Satan loves a bomb scare"
  Oh does he now? Satan loves a what-now? A BOMB SCARE. Oh U2 you are so IMPORTANT because you talk about BOMBS all the time. YOU ARE SO EDGY AND IMPORTANT AND POLITICAL. BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS. You are the saviours of the world because you say BOMBS a lot. BOMBS. See? You've changed the world because you've made YET ANOTHER nonsensical lyric ABOUT BOMBS. BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS BOMBS.

• "But he won’t scare you"
  Is this about moral bankruptcy or did Boner Bono just run out of ideas again?

• "Hey, sexy boots
  Get on your boots, yeah"
  I really don't want to know about Bono's 'sexy boots' fetish. This is embarrassing.

• "You free me from the dark dream"
  Ditto. What ever this is supposed to mean it is wrong.

• "Candy floss ice cream"
  The Random Lyrics Generator strikes again.

• "All our kids are screaming
  But the ghosts aren’t real"
  This one is quite literally the DIREST lyric of all time.

If we're honest we can't really be bothered to do the rest of the song because it's making our eyes bleed just getting this far... we will however leave you with two more ABYSMAL lyrics from this song. You can draw from them what you will.

• "I don’t want to talk about wars between nations"
  What sort of war do you want to talk about then? Wars between internal factions? Wars between cities? Wars between gangs in East London?

and

• "Let me in the sound"
  Erm...