Elephant in the SICKRAVEYOUTHCULTUREWAREHOUSE

The blueprint for Alexandra Burke seems to have been 'British Beyoncé' from the beginning and for a long time it seemed like it was working. Yes, she may not have accrued international success, but 3 number 1s from her debut album and the distinction of being the only person ever to exit the British X Factor and not make life-endingly terrible music meant that she was definitely someone we were pro-, even if we knew we'd never really be fans.

In the intervening years since her last album (a period of time that feels like about 3 years, even if it's nowhere near that long) a lot has changed. The RedOne/early-GaGa/Taio Cruz/will-this-do/chuck-some-euro-rave-synths-on-everything-and-see-what-sticks chart reign of TERROR AND HORROR finally ended, when Tinchy Stryder's 3rd album, the follow up to his Gold-selling mainstream debut, charted at a shockingly low 48. Dubstep had gone from being something you only heard on radio 1 in the evenings in trendy remix form, to the playlist staple and the type of music that no uni pre-lash drinks event was complete without. The UK urban scene explosion started to seem more and more irritating and less and less bankable as each consecutive identical JLS rave-hop album sold fewer and fewer records. Beyoncé released a deeply untrendy, totally non-chart-friendly Prince-inspired record to great critical acclaim and a dearth of real hit singles. And, as Peter Robinson wrote in the guardian, Adele heralded in an era of chart beige.

So what is Alexandra Burke to do? Plough ahead with her first album's now outdated cheap euro house synths/decent R&B songwriting template? Or try for something daring and different? Clearly her record label have opted for the lazy third option of: vaguely attempt cash-in of Rihanna's latest hipster tumblr incarnation, use song that even Nicole Scherzinger wouldn't feature as a b-side and Rachel Adedeji would turn her nose up at. Film video in warehouse with fire extinguisher and 'lol crazy youth vaguely nihilistic 90s throwback antics'. Chuck on internet and see what happens.

It won't wash.

Which is a shame because, like we said before, Ms. Burke was, and still is, the only decent thing the UK X Factor has produced.

Alexandra, honey, what is this?!

Embedding disabled by request for Alexandra Burke's new video for summery, uptempo, dancehall-inflected new single "Start Without You". What the people in charge of creating/choosing treatments for Alexandra seem to have done is sat down in a v. important meeting and said: "This is a song about a party starting. The ideal setting for this video would be by an outdoor swimming pool in somewhere tropical with an icecream truck and some swim suits and a comedy cameo from Simon Cowell on a jetski."

And then they have decided that they'd rather spend the budget on cocaine or prostitutes or whatever it is record executives spend money on when they could be throwing it at decent music videos.

It's quite bizarre watching this: dancehall is a traditionally homophobic genre of music and Alexandra Burke's main fan demographic is probably gays so it feels like what they've done is try and provide a ridiculously (almost insultingly) gay-'friendly', Olivia Newton John-referencing video for a song that the precious pink pound might not otherwise invest in. We wonder whether the rapper, Laza Morgan, realises shots of him were intercut with naked, hairless, smug, pricks with underdeveloped torsos pouting at the camera and engaging in cringe-worthy exercise-based choreography with Ms. Burke...?

We can't decide if this is dreadful or amazing or dreadmazing or amazful...

Well this is a lot of fun...

We've always had a lot of affection reserved for "All Night Long" (now featuring Pitbull, we know, vile, but whatever). It's one of the best tracks on Alexandra's patchy but ballsy debut album, and cements her as a really consistently fabulous popstar, with a talent for carrying fun up-tempo popsongs. Solid.

Werque, Burke, werque!

Something to aim for, Joe McElderstatesmen...

Alexandra Burke, a.k.a. officially the best X Factor winner of all time, is really bringing it and making an effort. It's nice, because really, she doesn't actually have to try. She could put in about a 10th of the effort she does and she'd still be a million miles ahead of the other X Factor 'alumni'.

Alexandra Burke's 'Scholl Party Heels' advert...

Almost every single girl we know does that thing where at the end of a night dancing on heels they take them off and either risk dysentery by walking barefoot in shitty street puddles, or swap them for some 'discreet flats' they've stowed away in their magical Mary Poppins-style bottomless clutch.

Anyway: it's "Broken Heels". It's Burke's new single. It's up-beat and it's catchy. There's a glossy and fabulously well-choreographed video you can watch below.


We know it's not the second coming of pop, guys. We know it's not intellectually challenging, nor is it culturally satisfying. But come on... In this face of this year's beyond-beige X Factor finalists, Alexandra Burke's musical output is so comparatively refreshing, it's like a big, glossy ice cube slap-bang in the centre of the Gobi desert.

Does this look like a fantastic music video?

Hopefully, it will be.

Something delicious whilst you wait...

Wonderland have Alexandra Burke on the cover of one of their new issues, and don't she look good enough to eat? Work it, gurrrrl. This should hopefully fill a small gap until her next single, the stomp-stomp, disco whirlwind that is "Broken Heels". We were thinking the other day, will Ms. Burke be big in America? And you know, we don't know. We just don't know. Sometimes we can predict these things, but in this case, we're just stumped.

What do you think?

Stuck In Our Head: "All Night Long" - Alexandra Burke

In case you were wondering, the Burke album is middling to quite good. Very good, if you're obsessed with commercial pop. Absolutely blinding, if you compare it to previous X Factor-related releases. Resplendent, if you contrast it to the collective works of Rhydian, Leona, Leon, Same Difference, Journey South, Rowetta ETC.

COVERART WARZZZZ! Part #5

They both won they X Factor, they're both girls, they're both good at warbling, they both hail from London. OTHER THAN THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. We're going to compare their coverarts anyway...



Shininess:
Leona Lewis: 10/10 (actual waxwork lady)
Alexandra Burke: 9/10 (very healthy sheen)

Beautosity:
Leona Lewis: 4/10 (well, it's a look...)
Alexandra Burke: 6/10 (a bit blank-eyed, but very pretty)

Styling:
Leona Lewis: 5/10 (the dress could be lovely, BUT THE HAIR)
Alexandra Burke: 5/10 (nice dress and hair, HORRIBLE JEWELLRY)

Font/Logo:
Leona Lewis: 4/10 ('meh', but it glows!)
Alexandra Burke: 3/10 (just 'meh', really)

Overal Iconicity (X) Factor:
Leona Lewis: 7/10 (we hate to admit it, but it's 'iconic' looking)
Alexandra Burke: 6/10 (get back to us in 10 years)

And the winner is...
Leona Lewis, not that we're going to listen to her album, now or EVER. Sorry Alexandra, we love you, and we will listen to your album, slightly dodgy cover or not.

Don't tell us she's not a popstar...

This is exactly the sort of artist we thought the X Factor could never produce... so you can understand our excitement at our dream being realised!

Oh Alexandra...

Here are some things to think about:

• What do you think of Alexandra's debut album being called Overcome?
• It could be in the sense of 'overcoming obstacles' or in the sense of being 'overcome with emotion'. Both are very X Factor, but it could always be worse.
• What do you think of the artwork?
• It could be more fiery, glittery and extravagant, because, let's face it, it's fairly safe.
• But again, it could be a lot worse.
• What do you think of her video (below)?
• We're of two minds.
• Whilst we appreciate that Alexandra is a fantastic dancer (she brings the moves), and enjoy the big-budget Buffy element (in an era when videos are getting less and less exciting, it's nice to see people get punched through walls) she could, again, have been wearing something a bit more... 'exciting'?!?
• That said, Alexandra has got us writing about an X Factor contestant in a non-derogatory way so: v. good.

That Burke song we were on about...

Alexandra Burke's 'proper' debut single, "Bad Boys" was premiered on Radio 1 today and you can hear it below. There's been a lot of whinging in all the usual places, but this is absolutely the epitome of everything we've EVER wanted from an X Factor winner made MANIFEST. It's huge, it's anthemic, it's uptempo, it's full of synths, it's about something other than achieving one's goals. In short: it's fantastic.

Alexandra Burke's New Single: The 'Facts'

• It's called "Bad Boys".
• It features Flo Rida (What doesn't, these days?) (Lots of things)
• It includes the lyrics: "The bad boys are always spinning my mind. Even though I know they're no good for me, it's the risk I take for the chemistry."
• The direction in terms of her styling is supposedly inspired by Grace Jones (!!)
• The first play is on Chris Moyles this coming Tuesday.
• We have no idea if any or all of these 'facts' are true, or if we're even allowed to tell you, but 'whatever'.
• (We're resisting the urge to tag this post as 'Bad Journalism' but then we'd have to do that with every post so we won't)

Has it come to this?

Well yes, apparently. You may have noticed that in recent days we've been rather lacking in news. A couple of shoddy 'new music video' posts and an almost inexcusably poor excuse to stick all Lady GaGa's magazine covers together masquerading as an actual post about how far she's come... WELL WE'RE SORRY. Anyway, the non-news continues, with this, which is apparently from the album cover shoot for Alexandra Burke's debut 'effort'. Oddly, we're more intrigued by this than we probably should be, as 'serious' 'music' 'lovers'. But hey ho. (Sidebar: How Erykah Badu is that headwrap?) We're hoping Alexandra's album artwork is more like this:

than this:

We guess that goes for the quality of the music contained, too. But you can't have everything, can you?

Obligatory X Factor Winner Post (Yes Yes WELL DONE EVERYONE).

Well, someone had to do it. And since neither the Irish goblin nor the group of men who look like metrosexual mechanics won (Has anyone else noticed how only the ladyboy sings? - Ed), I can write this with a heart that is not entirely leaden.

Alexandra (Leona 2.0 with testes, a soul and coordination) is victorious (who didn't see that one coming *rolls eyes in droll, knowing manner*) and will now commence taking over the world with some British Beyoncé ego-mania and a voice that sounds like a foghorn with vibrato (that's a compliment).

So hooray etc. etc. that someone who actually has talent and a possible personality has finally triumphed over the usual array of fame craving nitwits, and also looks very good in a sailor hat.

All considered, this is very good. Although the single WILL BE ATROCIOUS. The end. (We're hoping for an upbeat number off her forthcoming album, although we doubt that'll ever happen - Ed).