Oh lord. Cheryl. Cheryl's team. Whoever keeps signing off on Cheryl's artwork at Cheryl's label.
You know when decades have past and fads have come and gone and boring, lowest-common-denominator, derivative, lets-make-cash-not-art commercial pop has had a chance to go stale and mouldy. And you go on a bygone chartpop artist's wiki page and you scroll down and look at their discography filled with songs that - let's be real now - only a handful of deluded fans more in love with the memory of the artist than their actual 'music' are still listening to. And you look at the CD cover art and you guffaw at how bad it is and you think "How did that ever get approved? Did people at the time just have lower(/different) aesthetic standards?"
Well no, no they did not. When that forgettable, quick cash-in, boring, tacky CD was released, the artwork seemed just as hideous at the time.
Fortunately that artwork was truthful as it both described and depicted 90% of the music contained therein.
We have a dissertation due in just over a week so we're gonna keep this brief y'all. Two popstars, both severely lacking in the personality department but generally quite likeable. One writes and produces her own stuff - evidently talented - yet consistently has terrible luck in the charts. The other does absolute jack-shit but still manages to score consecutive top five hits without taking her pinkie from her L'Oreal sponsored mane.
The video for "Every Night I Say a Prayer" was clearly on a budget - she did release it for free so we can't give her too much of a hard time - and pretty much consists of her weaving in and out of some fierce queens giving great vogue. She looks a bit older than she is, maybe it's the eyebrows? We're very satisfied with it though and can't quite understand the outpouring of disgust it's provoked online. Free - amazing - single, Little Boots, vogueing. Don't need much more.
Cheryl's latest, "Call My Name" (or "We Found Love v2.0", whichever you prefer) is a catchy earworm which will undoubtably be all over the charts/radios for the next few weeks. Does that mean we like it? Not sure. It's 'okay'. We'd happily watch the glossy, atrociously aesthetically-pleasing video a few more times but it's not something we'd slap on our iPhones. And there you go.
Now piss off, we've got another 1000 words to write today.
This album has been beamed in from 2001, or something. It is terrible in every way. There are absolutely no redeeming factors. Here is a rundown of all the terrible. It is a long list of abysmal:
smudged motion effects
off-trend leopard-print boots
leg photoshopped oddly to look half of size
nectarine colour scheme
limp mannequin hand
non-descript grey room locale
'handwritten' font...
at jaunty angle
blank gaze
semi-soft focus
pink AND blue bangles
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
smudged motion effects
Here are four album covers that are just as bad if not worse. It took as long time to find these and even so we're not sure if they measure up terrible-wise. At least they have the excuse of being from the early 00s.
Last night, in a Tia-Maria-induced stupour, Jozobolla sent us via medium of SMS a beautifully eloquent yet pleasingly concise review of the new Cheryl Kerl video, "Promise This", because we don't yet have internet connectation at our new swish pad in Manchester's glittering Platt Fields. You may ask "How on earth can you post this then!?" WE'RE AT THE LIBRARY DUH BRAIN. Take it from the top, Joz...
Just premiered on ITV2. All v 'sophisticated' 'luxe' 'muted'. Looks like a Belvedere/Lancôme ad. Highlight is her wearing 'wacky' tights and doing up-tempo jumpy Irish dance, but is otherwise bad impro/choreographed pas des deux. Editing is awful, inverted monochrome hyper-flashes and overlays bleurgh. Nice elemental theme, lots of L'Oréal lipgloss, A BIG FAT GRAZIA-ON-TREND-PAULA-REED-SPECIAL-MAXI, one bit where she's dressed as modern Gisele with haddocky pointe shoed feet doing awkward arms, lots of expansive Ray of Light fast forward sky shots and some rather good, creepy, wiry tree silhouettes. A sort of weak corporate 2010 hybrid of Tim Burton and the Spice Girls' "Holler" but with a 'mature grown up' caramel/beige palette. Nice wafty bit at end but bridge visuals dire.
We know it is perhaps lazy, perhaps snoresome and perhaps even sexist to pit Cheryl against Nadine. But whatever, you knew it was coming, and we're going to try and keep it classy and pertinent, so hush youse.
What it is is is Cheryl Cole's comeback-post-malaria-sophomore-album-lead-single-survival-anthem. What the other thing is is is Nadine's debut-solo-lead-first-album-lead-single about being addicted to glasses of water (or something).
Right off the bat we feel we should just tell you that Nadine's single is about 23.8 times better than Cheryl's. It just is, there is absolutely no way round it. It's not just because Nadine can actually sing, and Cheryl can only whine melodically, like a classically-trained gnat. No. It's not even because Nadine clearly has wider and less face-palmy influences than Cheryl. Whilst Ms. Coyle has worked with GENIUS WILLIAM ORBIT, the much-maligned but still incredible Xeno-to-the-mania and a bevy of songwriting and producing people that you have probably *actually* heard of, Cheryl (who seems to be in a perpetual state of wishing she was black, American and signed to Def Jam - sorry, love it ain't gonna happen) has worked with a lot of hit-making urban producers in a bid for relevancezzzzzz. The irony is that Nadine's song sounds fresher because it's trying less hard.
"Promise This", the Cheryl single, starts with a bizarre and frantic repetition of the french word 'alouette' which, in the wise words of Wiki is "a popular French Canadian children's song about plucking the feathers off a skylark, a small bird. It originated with the French Canadian fur trade." Quite what Cheryl is trying to say with this, we may never know. But it feels unnecessary and unfortunately is the most interesting thing about the song. The rest is a hyper-uptempo-affair in which Our Cherly sings morbidly about dying before she wakes over a sub-Taio Cruz synth symphony. It's not offensive to our ears, and is, in fact, a million times better than the "Fight For This Love" a.k.a. THE MOST BORING SONG EVER WRITTEN, RECORDED AND/OR RELEASED. But it's not (probably not - we're not actually clairvoyant) going to stand The Test of Time. There's something peppy and irritating about it. This is pop music journalism at its absolute NADIR.
Anyway, by contrast, Nadine's song, "Insatiable", is a huge Alanis-meets-Duffy-over-some-synth-pads A N T H E M that is both immediately catchy, holds up to repeat listen and feels both current and classic. It's probs not going to make our end of year best songs, and it might not even make it onto our iPods/Phones (delete as applicable). BUT, and it's a big but (not a 'big butt', but a 'big but') it's a song we certainly can imagine ourselves thrashing about to/choreographing interpretive dance to/wailing along to in the car. Anyway, even if you don't agree with us, you have to concede that Nadine wins this round by default because she's also named her album Insatiable whereas Cheryl has called hers... wait for it... *drumroll*...
Never thought we'd say this, but Cheryl Cole's new video (which features some bizarre screen-splitting, and several worrying wigs) is rather damn fucking good. Imagine if Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry weren't too credibly indie and arthouse to direct a Cole video... it might look like this. Be warned: if you are pregnant, nauseous, suffering from a neck or back injury or of a nervous disposition we'd suggest you don't indulge in the above treat - it features frenetic contemporary dance.
Well here's Cheryl. She's got all the solutions. She's got the answers to your 'hair prayers'. She wants you to say along with her "because you're worth it". She wants to give you the ONE solution to the FIVE problems plaguing British women with UK hair: weakness, limplessness, lifelessness, dullness and straw-likenessness.
We actually do love Newcastle. We have some fond friends from the north of the north, and we love the accent, but really... a L'Oreal model from your misty lands is something to be remembered in the books of history!
It is almost impossible to look at this completely objectively, because where there is the glow of a Saint, there is the cloud of confusion. Basically, we wouldn't necessarily put up with the fake diary writings, Ikea shower curtain designs etc. if it weren't for Cheryl's unquestionable loveliness. There are quite a few good bits, though, and it looks exactly how we expected. Also: nice military styling.å
We have comments enabled on our blog and it is a big pity because you, the readers, never leave them. We're lying. Occasionally a lovely Madonna fan will lavish us with (quite clearly deserved) compliments, and occasionally a deranged P!nk fan will chastise us for calling her a lesbian (WE KNOW SHE'S NOT A GAY, BUT 'LESBIAN' IS NOT AN INSULT SO FUCK OFF).
Anyway, we wish you'd leave comments more often because we love to hear from you and we KNOW you exist, because Google Analytics says so. It says we receive enough views every day to continue making it worth updating, but not enough to make any money out of it. WHICH IS FINE. It is our passion, not our job. So there it is. The Cheryl Cole album cover. What do you think?
Just in case you thought Ms. Cheryl-to-the-Cole had decided to go down the avant-garde spoken-word intro route, we'd like to point out that this is A RADIO RIP, so that's what that is about. Overall, this is so likeable and pleasant, we're finding it almost impossible to criticise. It doesn't lambast you with its goodness, nor does it attempt to pander to current tired pop trends. It is, in short, sweet and fun, and that's all you can really ask of a pop song, isn't it?
Operation 'Make Cheryl Cole a Solo Superstar' is now under way and along with that demo we posted yesterday (update: it IS her single) we can now reveal some more important news (i.e. some info we stole from somewhere more reliable). According to her newly updated official website her album will be called Three Words, and released on the 26th October, following the release of her single ("Fight For This Love") on the 19th of October.
Is it just us or does Cheryl's logo remind you of the Coca Cola one? Answers on a Girls Aloud postcard. Or in the comment box.
Disclaimer Shiny & New is a music blog and as such we don't deal in gossip or rumours although we occasionally touch on them. Any speculation relating to an individual's sexual orientation or drug use is solely for comedic effect and not meant to be taken as fact or news. If you take issue with any of the information posted on this blog or believe any of the media to be copyright infringement please contact us at chazandlindy@googlemail.com detailing your complaint and we will happily take the offending item(s) down. We would point out that this is a non-profit blog and we make no money whatsoever from it, so, like, don't sue us.
Oh lord. Cheryl. Cheryl's team. Whoever keeps signing off on Cheryl's artwork at Cheryl's label.
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